Gigs! They’re great! Everybody gets together to enjoy music in a wonderful, idyllic scenario where there is nothing but love and understanding. Everyone is there for one purpose – to have a good time with an awesome soundtrack. What could be better!?
Gigs are a sweaty mess of idiocy fulled by overpriced booze and a sense that if you aren’t having the best time – the only solution is to drink MORE. Dance MORE. It looks like someone on the left is having a better time than you DANCEDRINK! It’s loud, smelly, and for some reason you are joined by some of the worst people in the entire world – who inexplicably have the same taste in music as you. And you can’t escape from them. These are those people.
1. ‘Gotta be at the front. GOTTA’
I don’t understand this lot. Usually overweight girls with badly died hair and caked in cheap makeup, they have the supernatural ability to be attached to the barrier before the doors have even opened. They then clamp their hands to the railing and will not leave, lest they miss a single drop of sweat from the singer that may fall in their vicinity. It’s not even a very good view. Madness.
2. Mosh WARRIOR
OK, I get it – moshing is fun. But don’t be a dick. The mosh warrior IS a dick. Not content with flailing about a bit and having fun – the mosh warrior uses a combination of Jock – Fu and blind rage to propel fists and feet at supersonic speed, hitting anything around them, until all that is left is a pile of bleeding bodies.
3. Knows The Band
You’re at the bar, buying yet another overpriced lukewarm beer. A stranger sparks up a conversation with you. Hey – you both like the music and drinking – might be a cool guy! ‘Yeah…I know the band…’ Those words from his smug face KILL the conversation. Everything he now says will be self aggrandisement through mutual association. Yeah, you know the band. They are just people. They’re not Batman. And you know them. You aren’t them. Go away.
4. Sound Quality Guy
Audiophiles at gigs are killjoys. You could be watching the most amazing performance in the history of rock – a band at the height of their powers rocking harder than ever before – a magic combination of stage presence, musical ability and sheer balls. You could be. But as soon as a bearded (they always have beards) BASTARD leans over and says ‘the levels are a bit off – pff’ – The moment is killed. Thanks.
Why are you here? All you do is complain. Apparently I should have seen these guys two years ago when they played a cupboard in their hometown of Tinyville, Idaho. Because they were much better then. Now – they’re just sell outs. I should be listening to some obscure new band known only to Mr Sellout and his internet friends.
6. Knows The Words
It’s great to have EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. yelled into your ear by a tuneless dolt with breath like a dead tramp’ farts isn’t it? It’s not like you’ve paid good money to hear the songs by their original singer is it? OK – Singing along at certain bits of songs is appropriate and awesome fun. But not every word in every song.
7. Shovey McGhee
Pick a place and stand there goddammit! And if you need to move to get to the toilet or bar, try to consider those around you. Squeeze through the gaps, turn sideways and at least make an effort to mouth the words ‘excuse me.’ That way I will make an effort to get out of your way. If you stomp up and try to walk through me, I will make it as difficult as possible to get past. You’re trying to go somewhere. I’m not. I’m already winning.
8. Surfy McGhee
I understand the appeal of crowd surfing. It’s not something you can do at home. But if you do it more than once I WILL drop you. On your head if possible. Once is enough. And if you are 200 plus pounds of fat assery I’m not even going to make the effort. And girls who crowd surf? I’m not trying to cop a feel. I am going to stick my hand in the air to avoid getting kicked. I’m not aiming. Don’t flatter yourself.
9. The Cameraman
You have a shitty digital camera or an even shittier cameraphone. You are in a dark room with flashing lights, smoke and are very VERY far back from the stage. You will film anyway. Why? The sound will be BRRRRRBUDDDDDDTSSSHHHCCDDD. The picture will be vague blobs and flashing. And if you film and replay what you’ve filmed on the tiny screen while the gig is still on – seek help.
It was never funny to yell ‘Freebird’ at a band in the first place. If you yell Freebird at a gig and I am standing next to you I will punch you in the head and get a round of applause.