10 People You Meet At Gigs – But Don’t Want To.

crowd

Gigs! They’re great! Everybody gets together to enjoy music in a wonderful, idyllic scenario where there is nothing but love and understanding. Everyone is there for one purpose – to have a good time with an awesome soundtrack. What could be better!?

Yeah right.

Gigs are a sweaty mess of idiocy fulled by overpriced booze and a sense that if you aren’t having the best time – the only solution is to drink MORE. Dance MORE. It looks like someone on the left is having a better time than you DANCEDRINK! It’s loud, smelly, and for some reason you are joined by some of the worst people in the entire world – who inexplicably have the same taste in music as you. And you can’t escape from them. These are those people.

1. ‘Gotta be at the front. GOTTA’

I don’t understand this lot. Usually overweight girls with badly died hair and caked in cheap makeup, they have the supernatural ability to be attached to the barrier before the doors have even opened. They then clamp their hands to the railing and will not leave, lest they miss a single drop of sweat from the singer that may fall in their vicinity. It’s not even a very good view. Madness.

2. Mosh WARRIOR

OK, I get it – moshing is fun. But don’t be a dick. The mosh warrior IS a dick. Not content with flailing about a bit and having fun – the mosh warrior uses a combination of Jock – Fu and blind rage to propel fists and feet at supersonic speed, hitting anything around them, until all that is left is a pile of bleeding bodies.

3. Knows The Band

You’re at the bar, buying yet another overpriced lukewarm beer. A stranger sparks up a conversation with you. Hey – you both like the music and drinking – might be a cool guy! ‘Yeah…I know the band…’ Those words from his smug face KILL the conversation. Everything he now says will be self aggrandisement through mutual association. Yeah, you know the band. They are just people. They’re not Batman. And you know them. You aren’t them. Go away.

4. Sound Quality Guy

Audiophiles at gigs are killjoys. You could be watching the most amazing performance in the history of rock – a band at the height of their powers rocking harder than ever before – a magic combination of stage presence, musical ability and sheer balls. You could be. But as soon as a bearded (they always have beards) BASTARD leans over and says ‘the levels are a bit off – pff’ – The moment is killed. Thanks.

5. Sellout!

Why are you here? All you do is complain. Apparently I should have seen these guys two years ago when they played a cupboard in their hometown of Tinyville, Idaho. Because they were much better then. Now – they’re just sell outs. I should be listening to some obscure new band known only to Mr Sellout and his internet friends.

6. Knows The Words

It’s great to have EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. yelled into your ear by a tuneless dolt with breath like a dead tramp’ farts isn’t it? It’s not like you’ve paid good money to hear the songs by their original singer is it? OK – Singing along at certain bits of songs is appropriate and awesome fun. But not every word in every song.

7. Shovey McGhee

Pick a place and stand there goddammit! And if you need to move to get to the toilet or bar, try to consider those around you. Squeeze through the gaps, turn sideways and at least make an effort to mouth the words ‘excuse me.’  That way I will make an effort to get out of your way. If you stomp up and try to walk through me, I will make it as difficult as possible to get past. You’re trying to go somewhere. I’m not. I’m already winning.

8. Surfy McGhee

I understand the appeal of crowd surfing. It’s not something you can do at home. But if you do it more than once I WILL drop you. On your head if possible. Once is enough. And if you are 200 plus pounds of fat assery I’m not even going to make the effort. And girls who crowd surf? I’m not trying to cop a feel. I am going to stick my hand in the air to avoid getting kicked. I’m not aiming. Don’t flatter yourself.

9. The Cameraman

You have a shitty digital camera or an even shittier cameraphone. You are in a dark room with flashing lights, smoke and are very VERY far back from the stage. You will film anyway. Why? The sound will be BRRRRRBUDDDDDDTSSSHHHCCDDD. The picture will be vague blobs and flashing. And if you film and replay what you’ve filmed on the tiny screen while the gig is still on – seek help.

10. Freebird

It was never funny to yell ‘Freebird’ at a band in the first place. If you yell Freebird at a gig and I am standing next to you I will punch you in the head and get a round of applause.

Blog Widget by LinkWithin

Post to Twitter Tweet This!

29 Comments

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 11:13 am | Permalink

    I think everyone at a gig is a dick then…

    …and I have to say I’ve done everyone of the things listed in my time – all down to the Red Stripe.

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 2:46 pm | Permalink

    I am #4. Sorry about that.

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

    Do you have a beard 4*?

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 2:58 pm | Permalink

    Until about 10 days ago I did. Then we went on holiday to France and it was 35 degrees in the shade so it came off. I did used to be a BBC sound engineer though which is probably more to the point.

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 3:02 pm | Permalink

    Theory confirmed! Gah – you’ll probably go on about reverb and flange and other things…

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 3:10 pm | Permalink

    “…reverb and flange and things…”

    Actually, although they are similar (in that they are both manipulated repetitions of the initial track) they’re quite different in technique; whilst reverb is often an attempt to add a natural sounding atmosphere to a flat recording, a flange is the use of a deliberately short delay time to effect phase-shifting of the original input.

    Sorry. I did say.

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 3:28 pm | Permalink

    In effect Vones, Flange is that whooshy, aeroplane-taking-off noise on ‘747 Strangers in the Night’ by Saxon, reverb (not to be confused with Tremolo, is just a bit of echo.

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 3:36 pm | Permalink

    What I said :)

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 4:10 pm | Permalink

    …gawd. There are TWO of them now.

  • Roszszsss
    Posted August 11, 2009 at 4:43 pm | Permalink

    The girl on her boyfriends shoulders who always stands directly in front of me. I hate her. And her boyfriend.

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 6:10 pm | Permalink

    I’ve got a flange pedal. It’s not a necessity, but reverb is built into most amps and pretty much is….

    Nice article Monsieur Von.

  • Posted August 11, 2009 at 6:11 pm | Permalink

    What about the idiots with flags at festivals? who takes a flag to a festival?

    Idiots – that’s who.

  • skevimc
    Posted August 12, 2009 at 12:22 am | Permalink

    Crap. I’m number 9. Shitty camera phone. Just taking some pictures. And I tried to record some sound as well. Yeah… I’ll do it again though. I’m certain.

    I’m not a number 4 like fourstar. But I do notice the sound. But I usually assume it’s going to be all jacked up anyway. Heavy on the music, light on the voice.

  • Graham Clarke
    Posted August 12, 2009 at 11:57 pm | Permalink

    I’ve scored in every area of the ten, through the years. Do I win anything?

  • Posted August 13, 2009 at 11:23 am | Permalink

    I just don’t bother with gigs. Drunk people flailing about and companies chancing their arm to rinse you of cash and shove sponsorship messages in your face – it’s a complete corruption of the communal spirit of music for profit.

    The music is a sideshow to the payment for the tickets, the booking fee, the ridiculous cost of a can of Carling, the obligatory tee shirt…

    It’s a ritual that’s no longer got anything to do with music.

  • graham
    Posted August 13, 2009 at 11:39 am | Permalink

    On the one hand, you can find any number of events which have little to do with sponsership and everything to do with the cummunal spirit, if you go looking for them. I’ve organised some myself, here and there.

    On the other, if you did a quick poll of the audience of a Friday night in the Evian megabowl of a, I don’t know, Joe Lean & The Jin Jang Jong gig, I’d warrant that most of them would care less about who’s selling what and to whom. People only go out for fun in the first place, which is more to the point.

  • Posted August 13, 2009 at 12:10 pm | Permalink

    In addition to being the organiser of ad-free hypercool gigs, you speak for the masses I see. I hope you did some market research before you took to the pedestal.

    Gigs are for 15 year olds and maybe their Dads.

  • graham
    Posted August 13, 2009 at 12:33 pm | Permalink

    How rude. I speak only for myself and my point of view, I felt this was implicit.

    That said, yes – the gigs I helped organise were ‘hypercool’. I believe very much in the communal power of music, so it goes hand in hand really.

  • joewhitenoise
    Posted August 14, 2009 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

    I always thought it was Shovey and Surfy McGinty.

    Speaking of annoying ads, I can’t see what I am typig cos there is a massive ad across the comments box. My woerk PC is rubbish.

    I still like going to gigs and I enjoyed this piece.

  • Posted August 14, 2009 at 3:59 pm | Permalink

    Articles would be nice.

    Just saying, like.

  • Firecracker
    Posted August 21, 2009 at 2:53 pm | Permalink

    I hate those fucking couples that stand with the boy behind the girl, firmly clamping the poor bitch around the waist and/or shoulders.

    Let her go dickwad! what are you worried about!? she’s not going to take off her pants and run into the mosh pit! even if she would, fucking let her. it would be hilarious.

  • Josh
    Posted March 18, 2010 at 5:48 am | Permalink

    You forgot to include “Drunk and stoned out of their mind and smells like ass, BO and booze”

    And their cousin, the “Feeling the music” Dance into you, (make out into you at seated venues), completely unaware of anything because they’re stoned, people.

    PS. it doesn’t take an audiophile to know what the difference between flange and reverb is.

  • Kasia
    Posted March 22, 2010 at 2:00 am | Permalink

    11. Downer
    This guy goes to a concert and hates everyone and goes home and writes a blog about how the band was great, but all of the audience that he’s shared this awesome experience with totally sucked. This guy is probably going to grow up and yell at kids listening to their music from his front porch so he can still act like he’s above everyone else.

  • Posted March 22, 2010 at 10:17 am | Permalink

    Here at DT we take pride in being above everyone else…

  • Posted March 22, 2010 at 12:45 pm | Permalink

    Hey! Kasia! Get the hell off my lawn! Damn kids! And turn that don. It’s not music – That’s just noise.

    Mumble grumble.

  • Tuonela
    Posted March 31, 2010 at 3:17 pm | Permalink

    You should add a number 11 to your article !

    The lovers who just can’t stop to kiss in front of you like tow giants mussels while you try to enjoy the concert… Eeeeeuuuuurk !

  • Posted July 14, 2010 at 2:38 am | Permalink

    This was pretty cool!

  • Matt
    Posted September 29, 2010 at 1:07 pm | Permalink

    You forgot the security.

  • Posted November 4, 2012 at 9:39 am | Permalink

    Hi there I am so delighted I found your weblog, I really found you by accident,
    while I was searching on Digg for something else, Anyways I am here now and would just like to say thank you for a incredible
    post and a all round interesting blog (I also love the
    theme/design), I don’t have time to read it all at the minute but I have saved it and also added in your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please do keep up the superb work.

Post a Comment