Top Ten: Black Albums!

How black is too black? None! Erm…or something…
anyway, put on your mining helmet and join us as we head down the dimly-lit path of rock n’roll nightmares and uncover the oily remains of The Blackest Albums EVER!!!!!!

1: The Black Album – Prince

Black Number one

Apparently some people thought that Prince was too pop orientated in 1987, because obviously Prince had never had anything at all to do with pop during his career. Anyway, he ditched the purple for
something altogether darker as a follow up to Sign O The Times.
Well, almost.

After cobbling together this collection of super funk -and the phrase “Who’s that skinny motherfucker with the high voice?” courtesy of weird woman-killing funk workout Bob George – Prince had a
religious wobbly and decided the whole thing was tainted with evil!

Unfortunately he dealt with this by withdrawing it and releasing the altogether more upbeat LoveSexy instead, thus sparing us the likes of the wee fella drawling all over Cindy Crawford on ‘Cindy C’ and pretty much telling every gangsta rapper that they suck balls – top work Prince!

2: The Black Album – Metallica

Black Number one

Remember when Metallica were great?
Not if you were born after 1990 you don’t sucker.

Roping in Big-barneted cock rock overlord Bob Rock to produce may have cured the ‘playing under a mattress next door’ sound that plagued …and Justice For All and launched the band into the superstar stratosphere, but it also marked the start of their fall from world’s greatest thrash band to middle-management sub-Meatloaf

The song about the werewolf isn’t bad mind you.

3: The Black Album – The Damned

Black Number one

Loses a lot of points for three reasons.
Firstly, It’s not entirely black.
B: It was released on Chiswick records, a record label named after the least rock n roll place on Earth.
Number three: It contains music by The Damned.
The album still manages to rise above these limitations, containing the band’s most enduring tune – New Rose, and setting them up as the first UK punk band to tour the US.
Caution: May contain traces of Rat Scabies.

4: The Black Album – Jay-Z

Black Number one

According to Rolling Stone magazine, The Black Album ‘Allowed Jay-Z to show himself as a rap classicist’ which pretty much proves what utter shite the magazine talks these days. Possibly fearing the wrath of
Prince, Jay-Z saw fit to release an accapella version of the album alongside the regular one, so feel free to steal his shit, marry Beyonce and put together your own mega hit collection.
You may need to sell out completely to do this, but who cares about musical integrity when you own 15 Lamborghini’s eh?.

5: The Black Album – The Dandy Warhols

Black Number one

Imagine if you can the sheer terror that ran through our veins when we uncovered this. It’s an album by The Dandy Warhols…recorded in the ‘official worst decade for music ever’ mid 1990’s…that was considered too shit for general release!
Eventually a couple of the less crap tunes surfaced on the aptly titled ‘Come Down’ album, but it was too late for the literally tens of fans* who’d traded this underground. DT respectfully asks that you play Accept’s 1981 hit ‘Balls to the Wall’ really loud in their memory.

*Escaped Lunatics

6: The Black Album – Boyd Rice album

Black Number one

He’s a tricksy one is our Boyd, releasing his very own addition to the musical pantheon of darkness tucked away in a warm, welcoming box set. This 12 incher gets extra kudos for being playable at any speed, and for…ooohh…spoooooky…not having a track listing!!! That’s right –no song titles –has that blown your mind man? I bet it has. Anyway, you could do that sort of thing in the 70’s. Good luck tracking this fucker down!

7: The Black Album – Planxty

Black Number one

To be fair, I’ve only included this so you’ll think I’m some sort of uber-font of musical knowledge with a vinyl collection full of obscure, Stuart Maconie-approved folk from the 70’s and snag myself a late-night spot on BBC 6 music in the process. In fact the last vinyl I bought was Slayer’s Reign in Blood, but that shouldn’t put you off checking out the whimsical strummings and parpings of these Irish fellas whoever they are. Extra points for containing a song called Blacksmithereens.

8: The Black Album – Baby Bird

Black Number one

Baby Bird?! What, the ‘you’re gorgeous’ bloke? But he SUCKS!! Yes, yes he does, but when he first came out right, he was considered a musical genius. You have to remember that this was during a period when Oasis were occasionally considered ‘good’. Anyhoo, this piece of fusilin indie pops up crammed inside another box-set (there’s a pattern here..maybe the middle of a box set is considered darker man…); The Original Lo-Fi.

Unique in that its musical content was neither original or Lo-Fi, prompting The Independent to describe it as “A Bargain”. Hig Praise indeed as Frontball Stephen Jones proved himself an even worse muso than his Sex Pistols namesake, releasing songs named after lettuce (Iceberg) and inadvertently giving dire popsters Cornershop their name. Should you come across this in your local vinyl emporium, set napalm on it.

9: This Is Spinal Tap.

Black Number one

Goes Up To Eleven..blah blah…big bottom..blah blah…stone ‘enge…blah blah. Instructions for use:
1: Buy album and memorise it.
2: Travel to obscure metal festival in Belarus
3: Repeat lyrics ad nauseum to anyone within earshot.
4: Find you’ve forged an unbreakable friendship that will last a lifetime with all of them.

10: The White Album – The Beatles

White Number One

Depending on where you live, this is the 9th and/or 15th album by little known beat combo The Beatles – the album is probably best known for it’s original title ‘A Doll’s House’ being changed when megastar musical geniuses Family released a sort of similarly named album, but hey, everyone loves Family don’t they? They’re the biggest band in the worl and practically invented pop music.

Anyway, The mop-tops might be quite good, but there’s no denying that as a black album this is shit!

Fuck you Paul McCartney, what the hell were you thinking? Honestly, only the ex-Mr Heather Mills could release a Black Album so totally wrong. Apparently most of the songs were knocked out by Paul and John who would ‘Rendezvous clandestinely in each other’s hotel rooms’ –their words not ours ladies and gentlemen, their words.

Anyway; a woeful attempt at blackalbumry easily topped by Back in Black which managed to be more black without even being called The Black Album. It’s no wonder The Beatles faded into musical obscurity so quickly.


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