The Five Types Of Musician On Facebook

fb0Facebook has allowed us to connect to our friends, communicate like never before and allow big business access to our private data. It’s a wonderland. It has also allowed us to become close personal non-friends to musicians. I have helpfully grouped these Internet dwelling musos into useful groups so you can spot them in the wild…

1. The Whiney Little Bitch

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Nothing is good enough for this miserable fucker. Their entire existence, to them at least is constant torment. Their only ray of light in their self perceived crapsack life is their own favorite highly unpopular sub sub sub genre, which of course, their band and very few other bands play. Between moaning about their home town scene, or lack of it, more popular bands and how they suck and the mundanity of their hopeless little life, occasionally they will link to their own musical output. Don’t bother clicking on it though. They’re miserable for a reason.

2. Sir Linksalot

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Walk away from Facebook for even a few minutes  and your news feed is filled with links. Most likely to YouTube videos of bands that have influenced them. Often accompanied by misspelt comments explaining that the band in said clip is a LEGEND!!11! or that the music in question is a Fuckin CHOONN! How they get any music written between the day long link sessions is beyond me.

3. The Constant Inviter

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Despite the fact that Facebook allows you to show your location, this enthusiastic type will persist in inviting you to whatever gig they are playing. I may well be ensconced in my London pad, as it says on my profile and latest status update, but that will not put them off inviting me to a gig someone in Scandinavia. And they won’t just invite me once. Oh no. Poking, status updates and all the rest all trying to their their friends to gigs in faraway lands. Give up.

4. Rehearsal Room Reporter

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Bands don’t practice in front of fans for a reason. Rehearsals are usually quite dull, full of miscommunication and arsing about. If fans could see their favourite bands locked in the rehearsal room their opinions of their musical gods may change. Especially if the singer is trying to explain his idea

“Yeah, a sort of chugga chugga riff, but, like, not dull, you know, like maybe in like 5/4 time or something”

So reporting on these goings on will reveal the dullness of being in a band to all and sundry. But some feel compelled to do it. We do not need to know about how you nailed that solo, or worked out a great drum pattern. And for the love of god, we don’t need to hear your shitty lyrics

5. Failed Musician Turned Blogger

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So you couldn’t cut it as a musician for whatever reason. Probably because you were a talentless sucker. So you do what hundereds of you kind have done. Slag other bands off on the internet. And instead of keeping it to the confines of your shitty blog, you feel compelled to spread your half thought out ideas on ’social media channels’ because a ‘guru’ told you to. Unfortunately one of those ’social media channels’ is Facebook, so the rest of us have to put up with links to godawful reviews and opinion.

Yes, this is me.

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8 Comments

  • Posted May 21, 2010 at 2:00 pm | Permalink

    As on Twitter, one of the most annoying things musicians can do on FB is leave an update of the “AMSTERDAM! YOU WERE AMAAAZING!” or “THANK YOU SAO PAULO YOU’RE GR8 LOL!” variety.

    If we weren’t there, we don’t really care. *de-like*

    Let the de-social media-isation of the music industry start here?

  • Posted May 21, 2010 at 2:35 pm | Permalink

    I had completely fogotten about the ‘chugga chugga riff session’ (but not the ‘calling you a twat’ post)

  • Von
    Posted May 21, 2010 at 2:44 pm | Permalink

    Hey Stuart *barely contains jealousy of your Smirnoff Trip thing*

    Musicians on Twitter will probably be written over the weekend… But yeah, WE DON’T CARE.

    ‘Ceptor, I have a secret FB update generator used for creating LOLZ.

  • Posted May 21, 2010 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

    Awesome, this couldn’t be more true: “Yeah, a sort of chugga chugga riff, but, like, not dull, you know, like maybe in like 5/4 time or something”

  • Von
    Posted May 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm | Permalink

    Hang on, isn’t your guitarist the singer too?

  • Posted May 21, 2010 at 2:59 pm | Permalink

    Yep. Still applies.

  • Von
    Posted May 21, 2010 at 3:01 pm | Permalink

    I find this unexpectedly hilarious.

  • Posted May 21, 2010 at 3:06 pm | Permalink

    It’s usually combined with lots of flouncy hand gestures as well as the words “sleazy” and “dirty”.

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