Author Archives: MatthewLaidlow

If there was ever a better example of a popstar who hides behind musical fakery, then Kei$ha proves that point to a tee. Most singers thrive on letting their voice shine to show off their talent. Sadly for our American friend, she seems to hide behind many layers of musical makeup.

Stop me if there seems to be any inkling of bitterness but do people really want to be paying money for songs that sound like a failed cross breed between a robot and a human person? With Kei$ha, that seems to be exactly what we’re getting. Here is a lady who has recorded her vocals and then let the machines alter them, think of a second rate Daft Punk done on a shoestring budget. The resulting mess is tic toc. (Not embedable. Wankers. Ed)

With so much studio trickery drowning out any sort of pure musical talent, it beggars belief to see how she would sing live. That’s unless she takes around one of those machines which can alter the pitch of your voice. For the comedy value, we’d go to see that. However, it would be wrong for us to judge. Surely there is some sort of footage floating around the internet of Kei$sha showing what she really do?

Guess what, there is! Join us in our musical tardis as we warp back to when Kei$sha is only 13 years old. Here in a school talent school competition she can be seen singing a cover of Radiohead’s karma police. Remember folks, this is a completely natural raw performance with no over produced studio trickery:

Can we draw any positives from that? Hmm, the piano player seemed to be ok and is probably now carving out a career in a folk blues band. But for Kei$sha? Perhaps disguising her vocal abilities under waves of overproduced electro pop beats are far the better.

Prince Gets Slain By A Toddler

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Prince calls out a 2 year old

Every time a story emerges about Prince, it seems almost impossible not to feel a bit of hatred towards the annoying midget singer. Yes he might have graced the world with a few catchy pop songs, but Christ is he a complaining prick who spits his dummy out all the time when things don’t quite go his way. Boo hoo indeed Mr. Prince. Do you want us to get you some crayons so you can go squiggle another stupid symbol across your head?

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dog-stereo

Animals have been on this planet for as us human types. However, when you think about it, animals are generally rubbish compared to us. In ye olde caveman times, all we’d do is spit a spiel of incoherent words and gather food for ourselves. And if Miss. Caveman wanted some, she’d get the leftover scraps.
Humans have evolved in to all sorts. We invented the wheel. You didn’t get a lamb doing that. Some clever sod also discovered electricity. Not like a badger collaborated with other nocturnal wildlife to beat us to it. Finally, human speech patterns have improved and we can now communicate clearly to each other. Apart from in Liverpool. Scientists are still scratching their heads as to what went wrong.
It would have been quite cool if animals had developed at the same rate as us humans. We’d live in a society made up of chickens that could defend themselves with laser vision against foxes. Cows would also be able to prevent pissed teenagers tipping them over for cheap laughs.
Whilst this hasn’t quite happened, it does seem that us humans have looked in to giving animals a more prominent role in society. Nowadays we do more than simply butcher them for meat and use their fur as an overpriced designer coat. Look no further then the police force who draft in man’s best friend to bust various drug smugglers. The circus industry has also realised that people don’t want to see people juggling. After all, why have that when you can witness a bear riding a stupidly small bike and a fully clothed dancing monkey.
The one thing that animals haven’t been able to do compared to us humans is enjoy a gig or good album. Sadly, animals go mental when they hear a low frequency sound and they would have been unable to listen to such offenders like The Saturdays and any generic X-Factor winner/loser/laughable person who auditioned.
Oh wow! This is totally brilliant news. Now we can waste money on a piece of machinery that does exactly the same job as something we already have. But now our fluffy friends can enjoy our musical tastes without their ears being damaged. Though any generic R&B about pulling girls in a club and then taking them to an after party will probably get the same reaction like a low frequency sound. Janet Marlow, from speaker manufacturer Pet Acoustics, said pets will now find their owner’s music soothing and relaxing. She told The Telegraph:
“My Pet Speaker is the world’s first sound system designed to cater specifically to the hearing sensitivities of pet. It transforms your personal music library into pet-friendly tunes that soothe and relax dogs, cats, horses, and their owners. The limited frequencies and soft bass mean your pets will not be startled or disturbed by jarring volumes and piercing sounds that put them on alert. It is ideal for pets at home, veterinary clinics, barns and pet care facilities.”
Brilliant, now our animal friends can indulge in some Dutch gabba with us at home whilst relaxing to some weak indie at the vets. And how much will this cost? Just £159. That’s £159 you could spend on beer, silly amounts of Cream Eggs and records.

Animals have been on this planet for as us human types. However, when you think about it, animals are generally rubbish compared to us. In ye olde caveman times, all we’d do is spit a spiel of incoherent words and gather food for ourselves. And if Miss. Caveman wanted some, she’d get the leftover scraps.

Humans have evolved in to all sorts. We invented the wheel. You didn’t get a lamb doing that. Some clever sod also discovered electricity. Not like a badger collaborated with other nocturnal wildlife to beat us to it. Finally, human speech patterns have improved and we can now communicate clearly to each other. Apart from in Liverpool. Scientists are still scratching their heads as to what went wrong.

One Of The Best Things You’re Ever Likely To See…

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Kids today, what do they know about music and how it’s created? Back in the old days before colour was invented, crowds would gather to see medieval folk get funky with their lute to adoring fans. The majority of this was performed acoustically and without the aid of amps to blast out loud to people.

As time and technology have advanced, we’ve seen various instruments created to generate sound. A drum kit for example is an expensive way of making noises. Hitting different objects at various strengths with your fists can produce equal bangs. We also have different varieties of guitars! Unlike apples, they all make the same sounding note when plucked. These days its overpriced pedal kits which give you the ability to sound like you’re trapped in a moon crater.

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Music Formatting To Be Replaced Yet Again

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evolutionofmusic

You know what the best thing about a CD or vinyl record is? It’s something physical you can actually hold and call your own. In the old days people used to go round to their friends house and even swap what they had bought! Who’d have thought that the power of watching a 12” record spin round and around whilst listening to some killer beats could be so thrilling?

Of course nothing lasts for sodding ever. In the so called digital age where everything is meant to be easier and supposedly more enjoyable to consume, the humble CD and vinyl suffered. People opted to stop buying records as the faceless MP3 had been created. Now you could own a lump of musical coding that could be stored on a mini music harddrive known to the majority of people as an iPod.

Big whoop indeed, where is the fun of displaying your music collection off? Instead of thumbing through faded record covers and marvelling at the artwork, you can now scroll through a digital collection in roughly one minute. Enjoyment factor? Roughly zero percent. However, the MP3 has become the victim of its own success. As we all know, the invention of swapping music files illegally was established way before some bright spark realised artists we’re being ripped off.

After a few years of battle, music lovers with a few morals used online retailers such as iTunes to purchase their music. Old songs then became remastered and bundled with all sorts of random crap. Often the misleading chance to win a competition to get exclusive gig tickets. Just when the dust is settling on this tediously new format, news has reached us that bigwig music chiefs want to flex their muscles and balls things up for all again.

It all gets spectacularly nerdy as reports all talk about something called BACH Techology. This sounds alarmingly worrying to begin with seeing that they can’t even spell back properly. That’s probably because it’s some sort of wacky European creation. Possibly by the Germans, they wear leather shorts for God’s sake. From the sound of what’s being planned, it looks like the humble MP3 might be getting an injection of intelligence as these details have emerged:

“The new media extension, MusicDNA, allows owners of an MP3 file to access additional updated content, including lyrics, artwork, tour dates, blog posts, videos, and Twitter feeds.”

At the moment, CD’s and vinyl purchased back in the mid nineties are just sitting on a shelf collecting dust. With the introduction of this technology it means that when JLS announce a new tour, a bare chested member from the X-Factor losers could personally tell us that they’re playing our local leisure centre or rehab centre. How terribly exciting.

For more information which will no doubt chew up your brain, visit the website where all of these proposals are being pitched:

www.musicdna.com

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