Stop me if there seems to be any inkling of bitterness but do people really want to be paying money for songs that sound like a failed cross breed between a robot and a human person? With Kei$ha, that seems to be exactly what we’re getting. Here is a lady who has recorded her vocals and then let the machines alter them, think of a second rate Daft Punk done on a shoestring budget. The resulting mess is tic toc. (Not embedable. Wankers. Ed)

With so much studio trickery drowning out any sort of pure musical talent, it beggars belief to see how she would sing live. That’s unless she takes around one of those machines which can alter the pitch of your voice. For the comedy value, we’d go to see that. However, it would be wrong for us to judge. Surely there is some sort of footage floating around the internet of Kei$sha showing what she really do?

Guess what, there is! Join us in our musical tardis as we warp back to when Kei$sha is only 13 years old. Here in a school talent school competition she can be seen singing a cover of Radiohead’s karma police. Remember folks, this is a completely natural raw performance with no over produced studio trickery:

Can we draw any positives from that? Hmm, the piano player seemed to be ok and is probably now carving out a career in a folk blues band. But for Kei$sha? Perhaps disguising her vocal abilities under waves of overproduced electro pop beats are far the better.

Every time a story emerges about Prince, it seems almost impossible not to feel a bit of hatred towards the annoying midget singer. Yes he might have graced the world with a few catchy pop songs, but Christ is he a complaining prick who spits his dummy out all the time when things don’t quite go his way. Boo hoo indeed Mr. Prince. Do you want us to get you some crayons so you can go squiggle another stupid symbol across your head?

Just like a teenager, Prince went through his rebellious stage when he was a middle aged man. Slightly angry that his record company were supposedly shafting him, the Purple Rain star decided to replace his name with a symbol. Did anyone care? No, at best the majority hoped ink poisoning would kick in.

If it wasn’t enough for Prince to be all upset about symbols and names, he later focussed his anger on digital music. Launching a personal crusade against file sharers, he strongly opposes the medium of musical distribution for free but has now gone one step further. Try visiting Youtube and searching for any releases by him. It’s difficult to listen to studio tracks from him underneath DIY fan videos. Why? Because Prince thinks it’s damaging his musical earnings. Or something like that.

And what’s next on the hit list of the musical superstar? Poor defenceless toddlers, that’s who! Annoyed by the fact that a young child was getting some sort of amusement and joy out of his track “Let’s Go Crazy”, the child’s mother Stephanie Lenz who filmed the clip, was sued for supposed copyright theft.

Of course, it might not be Prince himself directly barking out orders to remove these quite likely poor quality clips featuring a dancing child. Still, there is still a strong chance as he sits in a mansion plotting evil things where everything is lined with velvet and the heads of bootleggers on pikes.

Thankfully, commonsense prevailed and a Californian judge pretty much told Universal Records to piss off and stop wasting his and everybody else’s time. However, this does mean in theory that it’s possible to do dances to our favourite artists and not get in to trouble. We’re going to start by squeezing in to a leotard and prance around like Beyonce. Hell yeah.

Animals have been on this planet for as us human types. However, when you think about it, animals are generally rubbish compared to us. In ye olde caveman times, all we’d do is spit a spiel of incoherent words and gather food for ourselves. And if Miss. Caveman wanted some, she’d get the leftover scraps.

Humans have evolved in to all sorts. We invented the wheel. You didn’t get a lamb doing that. Some clever sod also discovered electricity. Not like a badger collaborated with other nocturnal wildlife to beat us to it. Finally, human speech patterns have improved and we can now communicate clearly to each other. Apart from in Liverpool. Scientists are still scratching their heads as to what went wrong.

It would have been quite cool if animals had developed at the same rate as us humans. We’d live in a society made up of chickens that could defend themselves with laser vision against foxes. Cows would also be able to prevent pissed teenagers tipping them over for cheap laughs.

Whilst this hasn’t quite happened, it does seem that us humans have looked in to giving animals a more prominent role in society. Nowadays we do more than simply butcher them for meat and use their fur as an overpriced designer coat. Look no further then the police force who draft in man’s best friend to bust various drug smugglers. The circus industry has also realised that people don’t want to see people juggling. After all, why have that when you can witness a bear riding a stupidly small bike and a fully clothed dancing monkey.

The one thing that animals haven’t been able to do compared to us humans is enjoy a gig or good album. Sadly, animals go mental when they hear a low frequency sound and they would have been unable to listen to such offenders like The Saturdays and any generic X-Factor winner/loser/laughable person who auditioned.

Oh wow! This is totally brilliant news. Now we can waste money on a piece of machinery that does exactly the same job as something we already have. But now our fluffy friends can enjoy our musical tastes without their ears being damaged. Though any generic R&B about pulling girls in a club and then taking them to an after party will probably get the same reaction like a low frequency sound. Janet Marlow, from speaker manufacturer Pet Acoustics, said pets will now find their owner’s music soothing and relaxing. She told The Telegraph:

“My Pet Speaker is the world’s first sound system designed to cater specifically to the hearing sensitivities of pet. It transforms your personal music library into pet-friendly tunes that soothe and relax dogs, cats, horses, and their owners. The limited frequencies and soft bass mean your pets will not be startled or disturbed by jarring volumes and piercing sounds that put them on alert. It is ideal for pets at home, veterinary clinics, barns and pet care facilities.”

Brilliant, now our animal friends can indulge in some Dutch gabba with us at home whilst relaxing to some weak indie at the vets. And how much will this cost? Just £159. That’s £159 you could spend on beer, silly amounts of Cream Eggs and records.

As time and technology have advanced, we’ve seen various instruments created to generate sound. A drum kit for example is an expensive way of making noises. Hitting different objects at various strengths with your fists can produce equal bangs. We also have different varieties of guitars! Unlike apples, they all make the same sounding note when plucked. These days its overpriced pedal kits which give you the ability to sound like you’re trapped in a moon crater.

With 2010 being the age known as the future, musicians from the eighties probably thought that musical instruments would have developed in amazing new ways. Science would give us the chance to be injected with chemicals and then make angel like melodies when we tapped our teeth, pulled certain armpit hairs or coughed. Did we get any of this? Not a chance. Instead, we got sodding “Guitar Hero” and its annoying sister “DJ Hero”.

Oh wow, look at that! The pretty colours that flash on the screen need to be pressed at the right time on the plastic guitar in order for it to work. If so, the right bit of music comes out the TV! Fail to do so and recorded voices boo you and tell you to go join Keane or some other weak feeble band. All of the repetative motions often leave players in a piss-poor trance that musicians would go through if they overdid it on herbal tea.

If this is the future of music then as music fans, we offer our collection of LP’s and stolen gig set lists to the Gods above. Honestly, it can sometimes seem that while diluted indie band after copycat act get airplay through various media outlets, the raw creativeness of some acts just seems to get ignored so a skinny boy with a battered guitar can sing mushy songs about his kitchen drain clogging up.

But amongst all the blandness there is one band that really is something truly amazing. This specifically goes right back to the instruments they use. Unless you’re brain dead you’ll probably have guessed that it isn’t a typical band set up with drums, guitars and a base. Nor have we found any musical scientists who have wired up monkeys and gives them shocks to make them produce different sounding notes.

No, it’s the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra who literally do as their name suggests. Making music from vegetables. Not only is this a truly fascinating concept, but watching a gig of theirs will quite likely count as one of your five a day. As this dinky little Youtube showreel of the band doing what they. From visiting local markets to buying their gear, engineering them to a high performance standard and then using converted carrots as flutes.

The sound of peppers, cabbages and pumpkins oddly come together well and can sound at times almost electronic. Do we know how? No, it’s far too complicated for our little heads. But we enjoy it. Which is the main thing.

You know what the best thing about a CD or vinyl record is? It’s something physical you can actually hold and call your own. In the old days people used to go round to their friends house and even swap what they had bought! Who’d have thought that the power of watching a 12” record spin round and around whilst listening to some killer beats could be so thrilling?

Of course nothing lasts for sodding ever. In the so called digital age where everything is meant to be easier and supposedly more enjoyable to consume, the humble CD and vinyl suffered. People opted to stop buying records as the faceless MP3 had been created. Now you could own a lump of musical coding that could be stored on a mini music harddrive known to the majority of people as an iPod.

Big whoop indeed, where is the fun of displaying your music collection off? Instead of thumbing through faded record covers and marvelling at the artwork, you can now scroll through a digital collection in roughly one minute. Enjoyment factor? Roughly zero percent. However, the MP3 has become the victim of its own success. As we all know, the invention of swapping music files illegally was established way before some bright spark realised artists we’re being ripped off.

After a few years of battle, music lovers with a few morals used online retailers such as iTunes to purchase their music. Old songs then became remastered and bundled with all sorts of random crap. Often the misleading chance to win a competition to get exclusive gig tickets. Just when the dust is settling on this tediously new format, news has reached us that bigwig music chiefs want to flex their muscles and balls things up for all again.

It all gets spectacularly nerdy as reports all talk about something called BACH Techology. This sounds alarmingly worrying to begin with seeing that they can’t even spell back properly. That’s probably because it’s some sort of wacky European creation. Possibly by the Germans, they wear leather shorts for God’s sake. From the sound of what’s being planned, it looks like the humble MP3 might be getting an injection of intelligence as these details have emerged:

“The new media extension, MusicDNA, allows owners of an MP3 file to access additional updated content, including lyrics, artwork, tour dates, blog posts, videos, and Twitter feeds.”

At the moment, CD’s and vinyl purchased back in the mid nineties are just sitting on a shelf collecting dust. With the introduction of this technology it means that when JLS announce a new tour, a bare chested member from the X-Factor losers could personally tell us that they’re playing our local leisure centre or rehab centre. How terribly exciting.

For more information which will no doubt chew up your brain, visit the website where all of these proposals are being pitched:

www.musicdna.com