Due to a distinct lack of posting on my behalf recently I thought I would do a some mini-reviews of recent albums all in one place for you lovely souls out there that are just lost when we’re not telling you who to like.

Mogwai- Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will

A great and varied album from the veterans of post-rock. Last album The Hawk Is Howling, was a bit lack-lustre, HWNDBYW though is an album that goes from strength the strength. It is an album that will feel much more accessible to those just developing a love for the genre, while still sounding relevant to the hardened fans.

Frankie & The Heartstrings- Hunger

Pure unadulterated pop genius.

Esben and The Witch-Violet Cries

A strong début that takes you to dark and tempting tides. At times captivating this album of indie-pop ballads can also border on grating, not because of the music which is sharp, but the whispery, whimpering, slightly scratchy vocals. Check out the video for ‘Marching Song’ if it sounds like your thing, once you see it there’s no going back.

Bright Eyes- The People’s Key

With a poppier sound than earlier efforts this could be the album that takes them mainstream. With all their senses intact Bright Eyes as usual deliver soul saving music and stark, clever lyrics. They are still the thinking man’s band.

Don’t forget to check out the new Arctic Monkey’s song ‘Brick By Brick’ and the latest tunes from The Strokes up-coming album.

BBC’s sound of 2011 is quite a big deal in the world of music and deservedly so, not only does it allow new music to have its chance at throwing the charts into disarray, but it determines what you will be being smacked in the ears with for the rest of the year when you listen to the radio, go to clubs, bars, and when you tune into the fucking X-Factor, you know you do, you corporate bastard.

This year the BBC mixed things up by allowing the presenters of the ‘In New Music We Trust’ shows to take over the daytime schedule with Zane Lowe announcing the top 5 artists over the course of the week. Cleverly the BBC have got themselves a built in audience of those who regularly tune in to be educated by the likes of Zane and Huw and those who expected Chris Moyles to be dishing out his personal brand of morning coffee with way too much sugar.

The sound of, insert year here, does matter and though not all the winners go on to wow us, Little Boots I’m looking at you, some have shaped the entire year, Ellie Goulding, this year though the beeb have hit the ground running with a wide variety of artists who are all bound to become heavily appreciated in their inner circles.

At number 5 we have Clare Maguire a Birmingham girl who the likes of Jay Z and Rick Rubin were both interested in. Having worked on her debut album for over two years, big things are expected for this dark pop temptress with a soulful voice. Nobody at the moment sounds quite like this, but if you’re familiar with Amanda Ghost then you will like this one. What this means is get used to her being in the top ten and if you like her a little, your parents will like her a lot. These tunes are ripe for remixing so she’ll probably be greeting you on your nights out too.

Number 4 see’s the first of the dubby singer-songwriters come to our attention with Jamie Woon. The 27 year old has been bubbling up from the underground for some time, having the likes of Burial remix your work and declare themselves fans doesn’t hurt your reputation too much either, this is his year. From a long line of musicians, his mother sang back-up for MJ, Kylie, and Bjork, Woon has his beautiful voice layered over dark and haunting loops, he isn’t afraid of a simple acoustic number either, an eclectic talent for an eclectic listener. Dub-Step may have hit us hard last year, but this is the year of Post Dub-Step.

Jumping right in at number 3 is NME’s favourite new cover stars The Vaccines. You may have heard their name being thrown around by your indie friend who champions bands like The Drums and Surfer Blood, but don’t write them off as the next big band that will disappear in a year or so. These guys have been described as ‘game changers’ by some of the biggest critics in town and they are about to take us back to the indie chart success of 2007, but with a bit more bounce than your average Razorlight. Their sound is fuzzy, simple, and addictive. So be cool and pretend you heard them first.

Producer James Blake takes the number 2 spot with his Post Dub-Step styling’s. Not as underground as Jamie Woon, Blake has gone straight for the radio jugular, and unless you’re dead you have surely heard his new single ‘Limit To Your Love’, which shockingly is a cover of a Feist song and is probably better than anything Feist ever released. He’s going to be hard to miss this year and is perfect for nearly everyone. Inspired by artists such as Bon Iver he has the indie fans, a producer not afraid to show off he has the dance fans, and all mixed together and repeated on the radio for a few months he has the pop fans. Perfect.

Now up until this point all of these artists have been somewhat strange for a list of what the radio thinks is ‘hot this year.’ Underground dub-step and indie, even Clare Maguire sounds more like the Smooth FM type, but let’s not forget this is by those who are in the know and appreciate what they play, rather than those who order some songs that were on a list somebody gave them and then pretend they love the new Kings Of Leon song. You don’t like it really do you Fern? No.

At number 1 though is an artist Fern Cotton will probably interview on her popular ITV 2 show. She isn’t too populist to be cool or anything like that, well it depends what your opinion of ‘cool’ is, but she has been described as the new Lady Gaga. Are you still with me? Jessie J is the artist whom I speak of.  The start of her single ‘Do It Like A Dude’ says “Stomp Stomp I’ve arrived” Enough said?

The 22 year old has been writing for the likes of Chris Brown and Justin Timberlake for years, before her label, Island, told her to keep the single to herself, she was going to give it to Rihanna. Despite the fact of there being no gap in the market for another female solo artist Jessie J appears to have elbowed her way in and judging by these lyrics she is going to be one outspoken bitch. Perfect for radio 1 chart time. She might be the new Lady Gaga, but nobody seems to have noticed that Lady Gaga is still here and has a new album out this year, so it should be interesting.

It’s December and that means only one thing, time for lists! Oh and probably Christmas too, but what is Christmas without a good list. I’d make a top ten Christmas list if I had any idea what that even means, but since I don’t I’m going to be highly original and do lists of the best albums, films, and anything else that takes my fancy.

It’s a joyous time for me so get on board because otherwise this wont be much fun for you.

Let’s start with albums shall we. Now 2010 in music has been quite exciting and though some of the biggest bands going have released new albums and some even bigger bands have reformed, it’s new music that has come into the light this year and scooped all the prizes. Before you ask, no, Laura Marling will not be in this list or mentioned in any way from here on out because she should smash her boring guitar into her boring face and die a boring acoustic death.

So here it is, after much in house discussion, my top ten albums of 2010!

10. Just scraping their way onto the list is My Chemical Romance With Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Kill Joys.

A comeback record like nothing they have ever done this colourful concept album put the boys in black well and truly to bed. Danger Days showed My Chem now have the power of bands like Green Day in their hands and they can make an album become a global event. What they do next is anybodies guess.

9. Hurts- Happiness.

As much as it pains me to say it, the Manchester duo who came fourth in the BBC’s sound of 2010, are the coolest pop band around. Yes they dueted with Kylie, and yes they use far too much hair product, but in terms of sheer joy nothing beats Happiness. The cheesiest album of the year by far, but if you think you don’t like these huge echoey choruses and synthesisers then you’re only lying to yourself. You can’t hide for long, believe me I tried my hardest to hate it and now look at me.

8. Zola Jesus- Stridulum 11.

A dark avant-garde work of genius. The third album by the American born singer showed us just how good she can be. Her electro styling’s are reminiscent of Bjork, Ladytron, and even The Knife, Zola though is much more listenable than all of them, which is exactly why Fever Ray is supporting her and not the other way around. Stridulum 11 is an album you can truly delve into and get lost with for an hour or so.

7. LCD Soundsytem- This is Happening.
By far the best album of his career it’s a credit to James Murphy that he can bring himself to quit while he’s ahead. Each of LCD’s albums is better than the last and this is no different, mixing his usual ultra-cool indie with electro so pleasing it makes you do air keys. This is music on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

6. Pulled Apart By Horses- Pulled Apart By Horses.
The most aggressive band on the list, this Leeds band have brought some balls to the British rock scene. The eponymous album is nothing short of being a hardcore romp from one of 2010’s most unique bands. Expect big things from these young upstarts.

5. Yeasayer- Odd Blood.

The second album by Brooklyn’s weirdest band see’s them take their sound to a new level. A psychedelic amalgamation of the worlds finest music Yeasayer have created the years most eclectic album with their brilliantly honed pop vocals. At times very dark it never strays far from beautiful.

Is it me or does the guy on the left look like Harry Conick Jr?

4. The National- High Violet.
The oldest band on the list this is The National’s seventh album and just as consistent as their earlier efforts. A mature band The National have proved they can’t be written off as ‘dad rock’ and have come to dominate the international indie scene of recent years. High Violet has some of the bands best songs to date showing their knack for big instrumentation and clever lyrics. They may be critically acclaimed, but they deserve much more mainstream media attention than they get, next year could see them get even bigger.

3. Titus Andronicus- The Monitor.

One of my new favourite bands of the year the second album by this quintessentially New Jersey quintet reminds you just how good some feedback can be. The band that take their name from a classic work of literature obviously have a lot more up their sleeve than first meets the ear and this album, which is a concept album based on the American Civil War, is a slow grower, but give it time and you wont regret it. Inter-cut with stock footage, or so it seems, this album is fast, edgy, slow, and moving. T

Titus Andronicus could be the best band you haven’t heard of.

2. Everything Everything- Man Alive.

Easily the most insatiable album of the year. I almost want to say don’t listen to this because you will never stop. Everything Everything are the Pringles of music. Man Alive is a rare gem in an artificial pop world and this is a pop album, but don’t be disheartened because it’s also so much more than just a pop album. EE have angular math-rock guitars and keys, simple effective drumming, and arrogant singing. If you don’t tap your feet to this then you’re ears are dead. They top it all off by making it so effortless and pretty. With songs that slowly build up to immense walls of sound and some that never quite take off, not a single song on this album is worth skipping. Just start listening now and by new year you might have had enough, but probably not.

1. Beach House- Teen Dream.

If you search on Wikipedia for this band, yes I did that, what you get is ‘see disambiguation indie/dream pop band’ and dream pop is the perfect way to describe what Beach House do. This is their third and most widely recognised album since their conception in 2004 and it’s impossible not to fall in love with. The hushed vocals of French born singer Victoria Legrand are in such harmony with Alex Scally’s haunting lo-fi compositions that it makes time stand still. Don’t be fooled by the name Beach House are the least summery band in the world, this record is twisted and downright dark all of which is helped along by their interesting use of an organ. No other album of the year is so immersing and yet so simple. No matter who Legrand’s vocals are compared to, usually Nico, nobody else sounds like her right now, it’s a rare thing to not care what somebody’s singing about, because their tone tells all, but that‘s exactly what we get here. You will struggle to pick a favourite song from this album it works too well as a whole. If they make more of this delicious dreamy pop you can expect to hear much more from this duo.

Well that’s it folks my finest albums of the year are now yours to love and cherish and I suggest you do so immediately. My band to watch out for next year, as well as more from these lot, are Frankie and the Heartstrings. An indie pop outfit from Sunderland, they sound and look like a throwback to 50’s era pop with a modern twist and with their own label they have a sold DIY ethic. With a debut album out in February they could well be number one next year.

1. The Whiney Little Bitch

Nothing is good enough for this miserable fucker. Their entire existence, to them at least is constant torment. Their only ray of light in their self perceived crapsack life is their own favorite highly unpopular sub sub sub genre, which of course, their band and very few other bands play. Between moaning about their home town scene, or lack of it, more popular bands and how they suck and the mundanity of their hopeless little life, occasionally they will link to their own musical output. Don’t bother clicking on it though. They’re miserable for a reason.

2. Sir Linksalot

Walk away from Facebook for even a few minutes  and your news feed is filled with links. Most likely to YouTube videos of bands that have influenced them. Often accompanied by misspelt comments explaining that the band in said clip is a LEGEND!!11! or that the music in question is a Fuckin CHOONN! How they get any music written between the day long link sessions is beyond me.

3. The Constant Inviter

Despite the fact that Facebook allows you to show your location, this enthusiastic type will persist in inviting you to whatever gig they are playing. I may well be ensconced in my London pad, as it says on my profile and latest status update, but that will not put them off inviting me to a gig someone in Scandinavia. And they won’t just invite me once. Oh no. Poking, status updates and all the rest all trying to their their friends to gigs in faraway lands. Give up.

4. Rehearsal Room Reporter

Bands don’t practice in front of fans for a reason. Rehearsals are usually quite dull, full of miscommunication and arsing about. If fans could see their favourite bands locked in the rehearsal room their opinions of their musical gods may change. Especially if the singer is trying to explain his idea

“Yeah, a sort of chugga chugga riff, but, like, not dull, you know, like maybe in like 5/4 time or something”

So reporting on these goings on will reveal the dullness of being in a band to all and sundry. But some feel compelled to do it. We do not need to know about how you nailed that solo, or worked out a great drum pattern. And for the love of god, we don’t need to hear your shitty lyrics

5. Failed Musician Turned Blogger

So you couldn’t cut it as a musician for whatever reason. Probably because you were a talentless sucker. So you do what hundereds of you kind have done. Slag other bands off on the internet. And instead of keeping it to the confines of your shitty blog, you feel compelled to spread your half thought out ideas on ’social media channels’ because a ‘guru’ told you to. Unfortunately one of those ’social media channels’ is Facebook, so the rest of us have to put up with links to godawful reviews and opinion.

Yes, this is me.

How black is too black? None! Erm…or something…
anyway, put on your mining helmet and join us as we head down the dimly-lit path of rock n’roll nightmares and uncover the oily remains of The Blackest Albums EVER!!!!!!

1: The Black Album – Prince

Apparently some people thought that Prince was too pop orientated in 1987, because obviously Prince had never had anything at all to do with pop during his career. Anyway, he ditched the purple for
something altogether darker as a follow up to Sign O The Times.
Well, almost.

After cobbling together this collection of super funk -and the phrase “Who’s that skinny motherfucker with the high voice?” courtesy of weird woman-killing funk workout Bob George – Prince had a
religious wobbly and decided the whole thing was tainted with evil!

Brilliant!
Unfortunately he dealt with this by withdrawing it and releasing the altogether more upbeat LoveSexy instead, thus sparing us the likes of the wee fella drawling all over Cindy Crawford on ‘Cindy C’ and pretty much telling every gangsta rapper that they suck balls – top work Prince!

2: The Black Album – Metallica

Remember when Metallica were great?
Not if you were born after 1990 you don’t sucker.

Roping in Big-barneted cock rock overlord Bob Rock to produce may have cured the ‘playing under a mattress next door’ sound that plagued …and Justice For All and launched the band into the superstar stratosphere, but it also marked the start of their fall from world’s greatest thrash band to middle-management sub-Meatloaf
fare.

The song about the werewolf isn’t bad mind you.

3: The Black Album – The Damned

Loses a lot of points for three reasons.
Firstly, It’s not entirely black.
B: It was released on Chiswick records, a record label named after the least rock n roll place on Earth.
Number three: It contains music by The Damned.
The album still manages to rise above these limitations, containing the band’s most enduring tune – New Rose, and setting them up as the first UK punk band to tour the US.
Caution: May contain traces of Rat Scabies.

4: The Black Album – Jay-Z

According to Rolling Stone magazine, The Black Album ‘Allowed Jay-Z to show himself as a rap classicist’ which pretty much proves what utter shite the magazine talks these days. Possibly fearing the wrath of
Prince, Jay-Z saw fit to release an accapella version of the album alongside the regular one, so feel free to steal his shit, marry Beyonce and put together your own mega hit collection.
You may need to sell out completely to do this, but who cares about musical integrity when you own 15 Lamborghini’s eh?.

5: The Black Album – The Dandy Warhols

Imagine if you can the sheer terror that ran through our veins when we uncovered this. It’s an album by The Dandy Warhols…recorded in the ‘official worst decade for music ever’ mid 1990’s…that was considered too shit for general release!
Eventually a couple of the less crap tunes surfaced on the aptly titled ‘Come Down’ album, but it was too late for the literally tens of fans* who’d traded this underground. DT respectfully asks that you play Accept’s 1981 hit ‘Balls to the Wall’ really loud in their memory.

*Escaped Lunatics

6: The Black Album – Boyd Rice album

He’s a tricksy one is our Boyd, releasing his very own addition to the musical pantheon of darkness tucked away in a warm, welcoming box set. This 12 incher gets extra kudos for being playable at any speed, and for…ooohh…spoooooky…not having a track listing!!! That’s right –no song titles –has that blown your mind man? I bet it has. Anyway, you could do that sort of thing in the 70’s. Good luck tracking this fucker down!

7: The Black Album – Planxty

To be fair, I’ve only included this so you’ll think I’m some sort of uber-font of musical knowledge with a vinyl collection full of obscure, Stuart Maconie-approved folk from the 70’s and snag myself a late-night spot on BBC 6 music in the process. In fact the last vinyl I bought was Slayer’s Reign in Blood, but that shouldn’t put you off checking out the whimsical strummings and parpings of these Irish fellas whoever they are. Extra points for containing a song called Blacksmithereens.

8: The Black Album – Baby Bird

Baby Bird?! What, the ‘you’re gorgeous’ bloke? But he SUCKS!! Yes, yes he does, but when he first came out right, he was considered a musical genius. You have to remember that this was during a period when Oasis were occasionally considered ‘good’. Anyhoo, this piece of fusilin indie pops up crammed inside another box-set (there’s a pattern here..maybe the middle of a box set is considered darker man…); The Original Lo-Fi.

Unique in that its musical content was neither original or Lo-Fi, prompting The Independent to describe it as “A Bargain”. Hig Praise indeed as Frontball Stephen Jones proved himself an even worse muso than his Sex Pistols namesake, releasing songs named after lettuce (Iceberg) and inadvertently giving dire popsters Cornershop their name. Should you come across this in your local vinyl emporium, set napalm on it.

9: This Is Spinal Tap.

Goes Up To Eleven..blah blah…big bottom..blah blah…stone ‘enge…blah blah. Instructions for use:
1: Buy album and memorise it.
2: Travel to obscure metal festival in Belarus
3: Repeat lyrics ad nauseum to anyone within earshot.
4: Find you’ve forged an unbreakable friendship that will last a lifetime with all of them.

10: The White Album – The Beatles

Depending on where you live, this is the 9th and/or 15th album by little known beat combo The Beatles – the album is probably best known for it’s original title ‘A Doll’s House’ being changed when megastar musical geniuses Family released a sort of similarly named album, but hey, everyone loves Family don’t they? They’re the biggest band in the worl and practically invented pop music.

Anyway, The mop-tops might be quite good, but there’s no denying that as a black album this is shit!

Fuck you Paul McCartney, what the hell were you thinking? Honestly, only the ex-Mr Heather Mills could release a Black Album so totally wrong. Apparently most of the songs were knocked out by Paul and John who would ‘Rendezvous clandestinely in each other’s hotel rooms’ –their words not ours ladies and gentlemen, their words.

Anyway; a woeful attempt at blackalbumry easily topped by Back in Black which managed to be more black without even being called The Black Album. It’s no wonder The Beatles faded into musical obscurity so quickly.

.

Apparently the Devil has all the best tunes, although that apparently doesn’t stop Pope Benedict XVI from rocking out on occasion –at least according to The Vatican’s official newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, which has leapt head first into the murky waters of internetsville by publishing a list of his top ten albums. In no particular order of blessedness:

1. Revolver – The Beatles

2. If I Could Only Remember My Name by David Crosby

3. The Dark Side of the Moon – Pink Floyd

4. Rumours – Fleetwood Mac

5. The Nightfly – Donald Fagen

6. Thriller – Michael Jackson

7. Graceland – Paul Simon

8. Achtung Baby – U2

9. (What’s the Story) Morning Glory – Oasis

10. Supernatural – Santana

Apparently the list is designed as a users guide to those spiritual types who want to attend the odd festival this Summer, although the real surprise is..it’s not that bad a list. Oasis are shit obviously, and Santana lost any cool points the second he came across Ricky Martin’s phone number, but otherwise it seems the afterlife has a pretty decent jukebox, balanced out by the presence of an acid tripping lesbian dallier, and an album revolving almost entirely around the dead rising from the grave.

Rock on your holiness.

Let’s be honest, no one wants to be a bass player.
If your nickname at school hadn’t been awkward dork, you’d be a frontman, blowing the clothes off the nearest member of the opposite sex with your tight leather pants and matching lungs.
If you could handle 6 strings without your fingers falling off you’d be a guitar hero, super talented and super sexy.

The bass is where the dorky boring member goes, eschewing even the rage of the drummer for a life of A pedal anonymity. Look at AC/DC. One of the tightest, finest exponents of hot rocking ever to stride the face of the earth, but Cliff Williams seemed to have lost his personality along with his leather wristband in 1976. He stands at the back. He plays an E. Admittedly he makes millions of pounds a year but it can’t be the most creatively satisfying career can it?

Despite this there are a few hardy souls who buck the trend, bass players who appear to be there by mistake. Tweaking the nose of treble clef superiority with their subsonic superpowers, they’re the leanest,meanest and coolest guys in the band – Check ‘em out:

Steve Harris – Iron Maiden

When I was 16, I spent most of my time drinking cider and enjoying intimate moments with a well used VHS Kathy Lloyd Playboy special .Steve meanwhile spent his formative years knocking out something altogether different-rock classics like Phantom of the Opera and Running Free, and possible the greatest band logo in rock n’ roll history. Employing a slightly odd and very,very difficult slap n’ tickle playing technique, his playing meant he managed to come out looking good despite a penchant for pinstripe spandex. The fact that he’s regarded as one of the nicest geezers in rock only adds to that sinking feeling you get when you realise you have no friends and struggle to pump out twinkle twinkle little star on your instrument of choice (The ukulele).

Joey Dimaio – Manowar

Roadies. They smell, they’re thick, they’re only good for tightening lug nuts and carrying speakers right? What they certainly aren’t is musical geniuses just waiting for the opportunity to crank out a solo 12-string versions of the William Tell overture, followed up by a 42 minute operetta based on The Iliad that somehow gets them signed to Geffen records. Sure Manowar are fucking ridiculous, but its a rare 4 string sorcerer indeed who can come out ahead in a band that features a singer with a 7 octave range.

Lemmy – Motorhead

How may drugs have you taken?How may people have you sexed up? Lemmy would laugh at your pathetic attempts if he had time between swigging from that whisky bottle. His name may have come from blagging ciggarettes from all and sundry (lemmy a fag mate…) but in return he gave us some of the tightest,dirtiest,all-round greatest rock n roll on the planet.

John Entwhistle – The Who

Outwardly the man known as The OX is everything a bass player should be, he’s quiet, resolute -hey, he was even raised in Chiswick. But look at that buzzard Bass, listen to those monolithic grooves. He may be the most boring man Bill Wyman has ever met, but he’s a groove-layer par excellence.

Stig Pederson – D.A.D

Throughout his career with never quite as popular as they deserved Danish rockers D.A.D, Stig has elevated bass playing to Zen levels, realising that minimalist is the way to go and dispensing entirely with 2 superfluous strings. His position on the list isn’t based on musical prowess however, but on his bubble perm, rocket shaped choice of axe and predilection for dressing up as a recently ejected fighter pilot-complete with parachute. Despite his status as a comedy Scandinavian, he still manages to anchor down some of the most lyrically complex, layered and just plain great pop rock of the last 20 years-do yourself a favour and check them out.

Billy Sheehan – Mr Big

So, there’s this guitar player right? His name’s Steve Vai. He was in this band with this dude called Frank Zappa-maybe you heard of him? Well little Stevie managed to be in that band and not ever get upstaged by big Frankie Z. And when Steve got hired by a certain ex-Van Halen frontman, he hired a bass player.Who was better than him. Most people know Sheehan’s later project Mr.Big for the insipid ballad ‘To Be With You’. What they don’t remember is the ultra high velocity rockin propelled by Sheehan and his ridiculously dexterous down tuning.

Cliff Burton – Metallica

There’s a lot of middle managers out there that think latter day Metallica are great. They’re wrong. Want proof?Listen to what’s going on in the background on ‘Trapped Under Ice’. Now listen to ‘Load’(actually,please don’t).Cliff’s demise may have marked the start of Metallica’s supergroup status, but it also started a slippery slide into creative bankruptcy that left most original fans wondering what might have been.

John Paul Jones – Led Zeppelin

Hey hey mama gonna make you move. JP never quite seems to get the kudos afforded fellow mudshark incident survivors Page and Plant, but would Kashmir really sound so awesome if it wasn’t for the greatest rhythm section in rock history? Despite hanging out with a post Kyuss Josh Homme a little too much lately, he remains a down with the kids wrinkly talent,

Geezer Butler – Black Sabbath

The heaviest, Loudest member of the band. Oh-the band is Black Sabbath by the way. The awesome moustache and ability to create relevant, amazing albums outside his day job only adds to his brilliance and makes you realise just how far Ozzy really has fallen.

Colin Grigson – Bad News

His name is Colin Grigson,and he gets the fucking night bus home. Only in the band because he owns a PA system, Colin still managed to cobble together the middle eight’s to such all-time classics as ‘masturbike’ and ‘Warriors of Ghengis Khan’,he’s the only one here who’s playing resulted in his throat being slit at a major rock festival. Currently working as deputy branch manager for Crouch End Nat West.

Well, I know I’ve missed some -Les Claypool is up there, and what about That dude from UB40 – You know the one? Alan Partridge likes him? Plays a sort-of watered down reggea? Anyway, I asked some bass players I know and they said he was quite good apparently, and I wouldn’t want to (red,red)whine about including him here – and apparently one of The Beatles played the bass too… let us know if you think of any others (apart from any members of The Clash or The Sex Pistols -they are shit)

Google is all powerful! It knows who you are, where you live and what you watch when you’re jerking off. Luckily there’s still a way for rock n’ roll to stick it to the man – even a man that will happily make naked ladies appear on your screen whenever you like – form a band even the big G can’t track down! DT ignores the spellcheck and checks ‘em out:

1: The Band.

The masters of post-modern irony. It’s fairly obvious these days that Bob Dylan is an alien time traveller, which explains how, despite dying before the spread of the internet, Richard Manuel managed to utterly confound the combined powers of Google and..erm..Ask Jeeves..with this name, which returns just about every MySpace page on the planet. Good work alien Bob!.

2: !!!

Sacramento, California, has it’s fair share of funk/dance/post-punk ensembles, all dying to get talked about. Unfortunately !!! seem to have chosen their name based on the sound their maternal grandmother made upon finding porn in their bedroom.

3: MP3

A brilliant name unfortunately hoovered up for use by some bloody politicians -Members of Parliament… and there’s three of them..do you see what they did there? Do you get it? How we laughed at the DT office as we spent 3 straight hours trying to find a website almost as elusive as D.A.D’s  (before realising we could find them on wiki. Strangely, they recently changed the name to MP4, which made sense with the extra member, but must have halved the number of hits these guys were getting.

4: Torrent.

It seems like a great name doesn’t it? It’s fresh and modern sounding, with a bit of an edge, some meaning behind the name. Until one of your fans wants to know more, and is faced with 248,000,000 results, most of them for knocked off copies of The Wedding Crashers. Not helped by that terribly familiar logo..

5: James.

Luckily no one in their right mind would bother searching for the baldy Manchester egomaniacs, but try googling them – or indeed their hit Sit Down – and see what you get: More adverts for beanbags and office furniture than you can shake a lazy Madchester shoegazer at.

6: Sunn0)))))))

A bit of an anomaly here, as the titans of drone doom can actually be googled. What they can’t be however, is downloaded. Go to BT or Kazaa or whatever –try typing that name in. It can’t be done! So underground they refuse to believe anyone would be able to share their music – probably because they record it on wax cylinders.

7: 404 Forbidden

A band so difficult to find, that after an hour of looking for a picture, I though “ah fuck ‘em” and instead used an image of Bay Area Thrashers Forbidden (Partially because I vaguely resemble singer russ)! 404 encapsulate the frustrations of legions of garage band users, as evidenced by similarly named associates 403 and 405. Face it Casio-centric noisecore-ists everywhere, you’d be better off with a moog.

8: A!

Proof positive that the Aaron A. Aardvark trick may mean you’re first on the shelves in HMV, but when the entire music marketing game changes overnight, you’re fucked. It also doesn’t help that A! are fucking awful.

Any more? Send ‘em in and undermine their undergroundness!

Muse decide that lipsyncing on Italian TV is not for them. Hence a band member switcheroo, and general larking about.

Iron Maiden on German TV decide not only to do the switcheroo, but also to swap instruments in mid song. Look at (guitarist) Adrian Smith, trying to maintain professionalism while all around act the arse. I kinda feel sorry for him.

Milli Vanilli – the gimps with a chimp, show off their talents for lipsinc until ‘Girl You Know It’s True’ starts to skip.  Those four words and a contraction of two will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Ashlee Simpson – Well, she just plain fucks up. Apparently the wrong song started playing, but instead of mouthing along to her own material, pulls a confused face, does a ig and wanders off the stage…

Nirvana out Morrissey Morrissey with their TOTP version of Smells Like Teen Spirit. Krist Novoselic does something with his bass and Dave Grohl does what drummers do…

Van Canto covers Nightwish’s  Wishmaster

I always thought it would be cool to do an acapella metal song. I was very, very wrong. This is nerd metal to the power of nerd metal.

Tori Amos covers Slayer’s Raining Blood

Reigning queen of ‘alt’ – Tori Amos manages to take Slayer’s burst of frantic aggression and turn it into a haunting, terrifying and creepy piece of piano music. Impressive!

Manualist Covers Iron Maiden’s The Trooper

This man has a rare talent. And an amazing jumper.

Japanese Classical Group covers Deep Purple’s Smoke On The Water

Classic songs know no language or genre as this proves in surreal effect.

Richard Cheese covers System Of A Down’s Chop Suey

The master of lounge shows those nu metal kids exactly how stupid those lyrics actually were.

Josie and the Pussycats

More interested in solving mysteries than being musicians – as is the way of the Hanna – Barberra – verse, Josie and the Pussycats were a slightly too sexy for 70s Saturday morning TV all gir group with a nice line in Monkees esque guitar pop. Although only running for 16 original episodes they spawned a slightly too sexy for tweens movie in 2001…

DethKlok

Spend enough time with a metal fan and eventually they’ll drop a Metalocalypse quote into a conversation and giggle like a twat. DethKlok are the ultimate metal band – utterly ridiculous and stupid beyond words. But very funny. Their adventures in Metalocalypse usually revolve around being as ‘brootal’ as possible and inadvertently (or avertedly) killing off huge numbers of fans. It’s pretty much what is happening in the head of a fourteen year old kid with a Dying Fetus T Shirt.

Jem and the Holograms

So 80’s it actually hurts your brains a little bit Jem and the Holograms were the girly all singing all dancing answer to Sunbow Productions boycentric properties – Transformers and GI Joe. While all three were designed to sell dolls, only the boys shows went on to become mega popular, leaving Jem and co up obscurity alley. Most episodes involved Jem trying to put on a show or something, but having trouble from rival band – The Misfits (no, not them) – but Jem coming through in the end thanks to the power of massive hair and Keytars.

The Beets

Cult animated band from Nickelodeon wusstoon Doug – The Beets are a quite obvious parody of 60’s British invasion bands. However they did produce possibly the most catchy song ever in the form of ‘Killer Tofu’ – an earworm of epic proportions.

Cold Slither

A rock band formed be utterly insane terrorist organisation Cobra with deadly bike gang The Dreaknoks  manning the musical instruments, Cobra Commander as the manager and Desto writing subliminal message heavy music – Cold Slither are awesome. The Dreadnocks even sport prototype corpsepaint!

Although only featuring for one episode and used as another scheme to take over the world through subliminal messaging, Cold Slither get in the top five for sheer craziness.

Gigs! They’re great! Everybody gets together to enjoy music in a wonderful, idyllic scenario where there is nothing but love and understanding. Everyone is there for one purpose – to have a good time with an awesome soundtrack. What could be better!?

Yeah right.

Gigs are a sweaty mess of idiocy fulled by overpriced booze and a sense that if you aren’t having the best time – the only solution is to drink MORE. Dance MORE. It looks like someone on the left is having a better time than you DANCEDRINK! It’s loud, smelly, and for some reason you are joined by some of the worst people in the entire world – who inexplicably have the same taste in music as you. And you can’t escape from them. These are those people.

1. ‘Gotta be at the front. GOTTA’

I don’t understand this lot. Usually overweight girls with badly died hair and caked in cheap makeup, they have the supernatural ability to be attached to the barrier before the doors have even opened. They then clamp their hands to the railing and will not leave, lest they miss a single drop of sweat from the singer that may fall in their vicinity. It’s not even a very good view. Madness.

2. Mosh WARRIOR

OK, I get it – moshing is fun. But don’t be a dick. The mosh warrior IS a dick. Not content with flailing about a bit and having fun – the mosh warrior uses a combination of Jock – Fu and blind rage to propel fists and feet at supersonic speed, hitting anything around them, until all that is left is a pile of bleeding bodies.

3. Knows The Band

You’re at the bar, buying yet another overpriced lukewarm beer. A stranger sparks up a conversation with you. Hey – you both like the music and drinking – might be a cool guy! ‘Yeah…I know the band…’ Those words from his smug face KILL the conversation. Everything he now says will be self aggrandisement through mutual association. Yeah, you know the band. They are just people. They’re not Batman. And you know them. You aren’t them. Go away.

4. Sound Quality Guy

Audiophiles at gigs are killjoys. You could be watching the most amazing performance in the history of rock – a band at the height of their powers rocking harder than ever before – a magic combination of stage presence, musical ability and sheer balls. You could be. But as soon as a bearded (they always have beards) BASTARD leans over and says ‘the levels are a bit off – pff’ – The moment is killed. Thanks.

5. Sellout!

Why are you here? All you do is complain. Apparently I should have seen these guys two years ago when they played a cupboard in their hometown of Tinyville, Idaho. Because they were much better then. Now – they’re just sell outs. I should be listening to some obscure new band known only to Mr Sellout and his internet friends.

6. Knows The Words

It’s great to have EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. yelled into your ear by a tuneless dolt with breath like a dead tramp’ farts isn’t it? It’s not like you’ve paid good money to hear the songs by their original singer is it? OK – Singing along at certain bits of songs is appropriate and awesome fun. But not every word in every song.

7. Shovey McGhee

Pick a place and stand there goddammit! And if you need to move to get to the toilet or bar, try to consider those around you. Squeeze through the gaps, turn sideways and at least make an effort to mouth the words ‘excuse me.’  That way I will make an effort to get out of your way. If you stomp up and try to walk through me, I will make it as difficult as possible to get past. You’re trying to go somewhere. I’m not. I’m already winning.

8. Surfy McGhee

I understand the appeal of crowd surfing. It’s not something you can do at home. But if you do it more than once I WILL drop you. On your head if possible. Once is enough. And if you are 200 plus pounds of fat assery I’m not even going to make the effort. And girls who crowd surf? I’m not trying to cop a feel. I am going to stick my hand in the air to avoid getting kicked. I’m not aiming. Don’t flatter yourself.

9. The Cameraman

You have a shitty digital camera or an even shittier cameraphone. You are in a dark room with flashing lights, smoke and are very VERY far back from the stage. You will film anyway. Why? The sound will be BRRRRRBUDDDDDDTSSSHHHCCDDD. The picture will be vague blobs and flashing. And if you film and replay what you’ve filmed on the tiny screen while the gig is still on – seek help.

10. Freebird

It was never funny to yell ‘Freebird’ at a band in the first place. If you yell Freebird at a gig and I am standing next to you I will punch you in the head and get a round of applause.

No. 1 – Pearl Jam – Do The Evolution

Music videos don’t come much better than this. Beautiful to look at, follows the beat of the song and tells a story. The story being man’s inhumanity to man through history and into the future. Wonderful, if heavy-handed iconography – but this is a music video – it’s better to use a big hammer than a scalpel to get your point across.

The video was co-directed by Kevin Altieri, known for his direction on Batman: The Animated Series – a massively underrated and beautiful show; and Todd McFarlane, better known for his work with the popular, if patchy comic book Spawn.

2. Royksopp – Remind Me

Who would think those cold, technical diagrams – most often seen in in-flight safety instructions and textbooks – could be so compelling and able to tell a story? Well – French animation studio H5 did when they created this wonderful video for Royksopp. The ‘infographics’ (as they’re known) zoom in on seemingly mundane things, adding a touch of isometric joy to drinking your coffee or riding the tube.

No. 3 – Omodaka – Kokiriko Bushi

I don’t know much about this video – I do know that when I first saw it, I then proceded to watch it repeatedly for much of the day. Directed by Teppei Maki, it;s a surreal skeleton puppet type thing, a bunch of eyeballs and the odd disembodied hand – sort of dancing. I dare you to watch it just once.

No. 4 – Daft Punk – One More Time

Not so much the individual video but for ‘Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem’ – an entire anime movie that accompanied the Daft Punk album Discovery. 68 minutes of a blue skinned band having a great big outer space adventure. If you like Daft Punk and anime you’ll be in pig heaven. If not, well, thats 68 minutes you’ll not get back. Created under the supervision of legendary Manga and Anime creator Leiji Matsumoto, it’s an overblown piece of high concept suitably befitting Daft Punk

No. 5 – The White Stripes – Fell In Love With A Girl

Michael Gondry and Lego – a perfect match if ever there was one. An amazing video made more impressive knowing that only a few seconds were computer generated. the rest was well planned, expertly executed hard graft. A video so simple it could be recreated in a living room, but so good it kicks the ass off of many a high budget, choreographed booty shakin’ dance video.

Five is not enough. Get to the comments and suggest some more!

Earworms – those confounded, parasitic melodies that take up residence within your lobes – are sometimes made all the more irksome by the fact that you can’t make out a bloody word the singer’s crooning about. Or, in most instances, slurring. Even worse, when you’re in your own little world and some independent sector of your brain decides it’d be a great idea for you to sing to yourself, you’ll find yourself warbling a sludge of meaningless drivel. You might even get caught out singing entirely the wrong words by a friend, who’ll roundly mock you for walking around with a minute slice of incorrectly-processed information in your head, before he kicks you in the shins for being such a lyric-mishearing idiot.

Some songs seem designed to cause this kind of scene. Using Twitter-heads and our own addled memories, we’ve tried to find the 10 best examples of this phenomenon – just in case you’re an alien and this has never happened to you before.

10. The Joker – Steve Miller Band

This scrapes into the Top 10 on the basis of one word. Even though I first heard it on a Levis advert when I was a small, stupid child, I still knew that the ‘pompatous of love’ made no sense whatsoever. Even as I type it – pompatous – it’s underlined in red by the bemused spell-checker. What makes it even more confusing is the fact that the rest of the lyrics are eloquent, amusing and reassuringly clever. A little cod-research in Wikipedia reveals that there’s a not-uninteresting history to the neologism. You can read it here.

9. Loser – Beck

Moving up a gear, Beck chose to rap his way through his brilliant breakout single in a surreal rant about nothing in particular, confirming his angular cool before he’d even secured a career. To add to the strange emotion you get after hearing it – the feeling that you’ve just heard something that’s clever and meaningless at the same time – he went and sang the lead-up to the song’s killer ‘I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?’ hook in Spanish. In a time when lyrics weren’t instantly available online, this resulted in many an indie-kid scratching their head and wondering why this hip-hop busker had dedicated a song to a saveloy.

8. Two Princes – Spin Doctors

Remember when bubblegum American pop wasn’t Jonas, Miley, Avril-type over-produced MUCK? We do – and Two Princes is a grand example of the genre from the period when it pretty much died out. A time when four hippies making inconsequential, melodically appealing but needlessly irritating guitar pop could still get signed to a major and marketed into the Top 10. Two Princes is an inoffensive blast of 90s nostalgia and it’s fair to say we all struggled with that bit that seemed to go  ama-walla-lubba-bebbe-carnah-see.
Murray herm, or Murray me?

7. Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana

It’s amazing that Nirvana became the biggest band in the world, however fleetingly, off the back of this song. That’s not to say it’s bad. It’s like heavy metal sugared and then dipped in muck – a little derivative but also sparkling new. The aspect that makes it most unlike your usual crossover single is the fact that you can barely make out a word Kurt Cobain’s singing. After a million listens and some analysis, obviously it begins to make sense. But the first five times you heard Cobain yelling ‘a mullato, an albino, a mosquito, my libido’, even if you got the words, you’d be scratching your head at the juxtapositions going on there. It all makes sense, looking back over the band’s legacy, but when this was the first you’d heard of them, those slurred and angry/bored lyrics made this an alienating but incredible smash.

6. Dreams – Fleetwood Mac

Stevie Nicks was hard enough to understand at the best of times. Dreams starts off perfectly enunciated but the second Nicks starts hitting the high-notes, we lose any sense of what she’s trying to stick in our heads. The use of backing vocals at critical points to make it a little less confusing is a despicable tactic. The fact that she pronounces ‘memory’ as ‘mwemma-way’ is an insult to the ear. And I’m far too lazy to google the lyrics – for me, that first falsetto will always remain ‘the zulu ride that is your play the way you feel it’.

5. The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight – REM

This misses out on a Top 3 position because, where the others may in some cases be deliberate word-skewerings, this actually seems earnestly contrived. It’s a lovely tune and a strong example of the kind of smart but hummable pop REM can deliver, but when the chorus kicks in – with the line that caused much baffled discussion among music fans – you might find yourself sneering a little. Just a little bit. ‘Comedy shall wake her up’, ‘Come on Jamaica’, ‘Crumbling John Major’ are all failed attempts I’ve heard made at working out what Stipe’s babbling, but it turns out the lyrics are the slightly more leaden, ‘call me when you try to wake her’. There’s a lesson here, and it’s ‘MAKE THE LYRICS SCAN, STIPE’.

4. Purple Haze – Jimi Hendrix

Alright – so it’s really just the one line – but it was so  subversive it warrants inclusion. Young stoners still check themselves when they hear the ‘kiss the sky’ line, unsure whether it’s an acid-tinged hallucination scenario involving atmospheric snogging or if it’s a request for patience whilst the singer gets off with someone of his own gender. Not a big deal now, obviously, but back then you can imagine the shock this instilled. You have to love the ’scuse me’ aspect of it all – the way the deliberate confusion and potential uproar it provoked is shrugged off by the instigator with such good manners.

3. The Israelites – Desmond Dekker

The first ever reggae number one on these shores thanks to a public keen to embrace the groove despite the fact the words were an alien babble to them. On your first listen, it sounds like poor ol’ Des’s ears are alight. The second time around you glean that it’s a song about hardship and by the third all you care about is how bloody great it is. No wonder Patrick Trueman on Eastenders always sticks it on after he’s had one drop too many of his beloved rum.

2. Come On Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Where are you most likely to hear this tune? That’s right! An 80s night. An 80s night where everyone is drunk beyond belief and slurring along with Kevin Rowland and his crowd of busking dungarees like it’s the sound of the heavens on Earth. ‘Poo-weo jwaarny reurgh!’ they cry. ‘Shetta whatta gwarn a radio and a modern heart ya warna kneow’ they continue, as the song builds to a chorus which finally, thank God, begins to make some semblance of sense.

1. Louie Louie – The Kingsmen

The daddy of them all. Even back in 1955, The Kingsmen didn’t care if they inflected their vocals to the point that meaning was obscured. So long as the tune was rocking, the lyrics became secondary. A total classic, and the Jamaican patois-influenced singing only seems to add to its enduring appeal, making this a staple song for the homeward-bound drunk looking for a tune to bellow at the top of his lungs at a time when lyrical accuracy is the furthest thing from his mind. So long as you get the ‘Louie, Louie’ bit right, everyone will know what you’re singing.

Bonus Tracks!
… Jesus Built My Hotrod – Ministry

As far as I can tell – and I’m no expert here – most Death Metal and a lot of Industrial Rock or Hardcore relies on heavily distorted vocals to make songs seem scary and intimidating. That’s why none of them made the list. Napalm Death are the kings of this, but this outing from Ministry is a good example of it being almost affectionately self-parodied. At least, that’s how it seems to me. Ding-a-ling, indeed.

Where to begin?

Why, indeed.

In a world filled with artists pushing the boundaries of what can be considered music and established musicians reinventing themselves as often as a normal man buys new socks, why is vaguely folky geek-rock singer-songwriter with little mainstream coverage Jonathan Coulton the future of music?

Well – let me tell you. It has little to do with songs.

As discussed previously, music is changing. Record labels are no longer culture controlling mega-corps that decide the listening tastes of entire generations. Sure, they are still powerful, but they’re are haemorrhaging money at an epic rate, and the majors, at least, may soon be a memory. Consumption is changing too – with the internet and iPods being the catalyst. Along with that, the whole file-sharing / DRM thing has pretty much screwed up the way music is paid for. In this world, artists must adapt or die. ‘

JoCo’ adapted.

1. No Label

Jonathan Coulton has no label. This allows him full creative control of his music and it means he pays nothing to them. All money generated by Jonathan Coulton’s music goes to him. No obligations, no gods, no masters.

2. Total DIY

Without a record label backing an artist, how do they have the money to record? Well, today, you don’t need an expensive recording studio. In fact , you just need a computer, a microphone and a bit of software. OK, to record really well, maybe you need a bit more. But it’s well within the reach of the average punter – and musician.

3. Identified Audience

These days, you can find just about any kind of music. Something will suit your  tastes. Be it Harry Potter based indie rock, or politically aware power electronics, if you can imagine the genre, there will probably be someone filling it with music. So, identifying your audience becomes pretty important. Sure – you can make the same old music as the rest of the mainstream, but you’d have to be the best at it to make a go of things. Instead JoCo has found his audience – they’re geeks, to be honest – and he knows this. His songs reflect this. Songs about the unrequited love of a super-villain, maths problems and zombie office-workers all appeal to the geek mindset – he is their poet laureate.

4. Sidestep File Sharing

From Jonathan Coulton’s site -

“Already Stole It? No problem. If you’d like to donate some cash, you can do so through Amazon or Paypal. Or, for something slightly more fun: purchase a robot, monkey or banana that will be displayed here with your message”

He knows some people are going to get his music off The Pirate Bay or wherever. Instead of hunting them down with rabid layers and ridiculous fines – he politely requests a contribution. Sensible.

5. Engage The Audience

Unlike some other artists, Coulton does not live in an ivory tower, addressing his adoring fanbase only when he sees fit. Instead he has an active blog, forum and twitter – allowing contact with the fans. Building a relationship means it’s more likely he will sell music or have you come to his show. It’s like helping out a friend.

6. Spreading The Word

JoCo releases his music under the Attribution-NonCommercial Creative Commons license. This means anyone can use his music if they don’t intend to use it to make money, and give him credit. This means there is now an active community making videos and mashing up his songs on YouTube. The most viewed video – a fan made video made entirely from World Of Warcraft video has over three million views. That’s how to avoid obscurity.

7. Tour Easily, Tour Often

How do you make money from music when people can get it for free? Tour and sell merch! JoCo, until recently, had a gruelling tour schedule. But he could do it easily as he can play everything he’s recorded on an acoustic guitar. No insanely complex stage set up. Guitar, box of merch, gone.

8. Partner With Media

I first heard of JoCo through Still Alive – the end theme to the game Portal. Portal was hailed as one of the best games ever and its catchy, sad, final song was penned by Coulton. By allying himself with an awesome video game, JoCo reached a mass audience through an unusual method and grew his fanbase through association.

9. Making Music An Event

Write songs, release album, release single, tour. Repeat. That’s the conventional method. Not so for JoCo. He attempted to write and release a new song every week for a year. This made his releases an event – people returned to his website every week and subscribed to his podcast. He gained notoriety for this, accumulated a huge back catalogue and became a better musician for it.

10. Being Really Nice

If you’re a dick and you’re even vaguely famous, the entire world will know about it. And no one wants to buy music from a dick they’ve not really heard of. Luckily Coulton is not a dick. Far from it. I met him once and he was charming, self deprecating and cool. After a gig he spent ages autographing stuff and hanging out with fans. You would feel bad if you didn’t buy a T Shirt from this man. That’s worth thousands in marketing money…

Hey you kids! Get the hell off my lawn! With your gameboys and iPods and knife crime. You don’t know you’re born. Back in my day we’d walk seven miles to pick up a CD from our local record store. Uphill. Both ways. The guy there would look down at us from behind the counter and we’d feel small. And we LIKED IT…

etc…

But seriously, over the last few years, the way we consume music has changed beyond recognition. The so called ‘iPod generation’ (a horrible, if functional turn of phrase) get their musical kicks in ways – 10 years ago – I would never have imagined. They’re both lucky and unlucky, as they will never experience the things on the list that follows…

1. Spending inordinate amounts of time with CD inserts / Sleeve notes

It’s amazing, the human eye. I would never imagine I could read text as small as I did on some ‘thanks’ lists… Endlessly pouring over the reams of band names, roadie and friends for advice on future purchases. And then spending further hours with the lyrics, reading them along with the songs until you have them word perfect. What he hell do teenagers do with their time now?

2. Lending an album to a friend, and hoping to get it back

It’s the greatest thing you’ve ever heard. The soaring majesty of the music and the depth and poetry of the lyrics. This album speaks to you. If only you had someone to talk about it with! Someone to share the experience. What about your mate, Dave? He’d love this! And he’d be well impressed that you found it first. Now Dave’s got the album and he thinks it’s ‘OK.’ When you ask for it back, he tells you he left it in his mum’s car. You never get that album back. Shit.

3. Broken CD case teeth

They’re designed to hold the CD safely. Designed to protect it. But, damn it, at least 25% of the time – when you open the freshly purchased CD and removed the impossibly snug shrink wrap – there’s that tell-tale rattle telling you that the centre section of teeth has broken apart, rendering the case useless.

4. Walls Of Neatly Stacked CDs

I feel sorry for manufacturers of CD storage solutions. They had no part in the demise of music as a physical medium. They just built furniture. Furniture that is becoming obsolete. It was always a yardstick music fans would use to scope each other out – the amount of wall coved by CDs – sometimes alphabetised by the truly faithful. What now? Check the amount of drive space used by MP3s? Not so easy.

5. Mixtapes with EFFORT

Ok, yes, you can burn a CD, put together a Spotify playlist or just mail over a bunch of MP3s. But that doesn’t count. To put together a proper mix tape you must experience the songs yourself, hit the buttons at the right time and put some effort into the selection. You don’t want the last song to cut out in the middle, so you have to scout song lengths. It’s also a tape, so there will be no skipping. The songs must flow together properly. It’s an art form, really. Sadly a lost one.

6. Putting together CD Wallets For Trips

Twenty minutes before you leave on a two week trip with your family and, although you’ve packed your Discman and headphones, you’ve forgotten to pack your CDs. Shit! What do you do? Grab the first few from the rack or make some tough decisions? This is all you’re going to have for two whole weeks. Your only respite from deadly-dull chit-chat. Greatest hits albums? New albums? Take a risk on the one Dave lent you? Old favorites? The stress is KILLING you.

7. Waiting For Albums To Come Out

Not just waiting – but waiting. Outside of the shop waiting. This shows true commitment to the cause. The shop would open, you would rush in, all excited, and the dude behind the counter would clock you by your clothes, hair and demeanor and have the album ready. Maybe there would be a few of you, huddled in the shop doorway like very well dressed hobos (or if it was a metal album – hobos) awaiting the magic moment when the album could be yours…

8. Tape Trading

When you can’t just Google, Scrob or Lazyweb it, how do you discover new music? By exchanging tapes by post! Underground music was once fueled by the Royal Mail and the C90 tape. Often second or third generation recordings and, quite often, awful. It was the best way of doing business, purely for the surprise factor. What the hell would be on the next one from that strange grindcore fan in the eastern bloc?

9. Skinning Up On An Album Cover

The absolutely perfect place to do it. Plenty of room, no grooves, easy to clean and looks damn good. You can’t skin up on an iPod.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

10 The Secret Track

See what I did there?
Clever eh?
Remember when you’d listen to an album going to sleep and just as you are about to nod off KRAAGGGGGHHHHHSSSSSS! SECRET TRACK!!!
Terrifying. Sometimes it’d be the band goofing about in the studio. Sometimes an acoustic track. Sometimes just another track… It was an Easter egg for the committed fan and now, sadly consigned to history.

Nerdcore Rap s a fairly new and unexplored genre. For those unaware of its charms, I shall help you out with a handy metaphor. It’s NWA, if they didn’t rap about shooting people and instead rapped about Dungeons & Dragons, computer programming and science.

Simple.

But quite strange.

But we at Downtuned think Nerdcore deserves a wider audience. Because, at least this reviewer’s mind, it’s quite good. So – for your enjoyment – the top 10 Nerdcore rap tracks EVER. (With embedded videos). In no order.

MC Chris – Fett’s Vette

Possibly the most famous nerdcore track due to its use in nerd-friendly Kevin Smith movie Zack & Miri Make A Porno, it’s a simple, catchy track about Star Wars’ favourite Mandalorian armour sporting bounty hunter – Boba Fett.

Futuristic Sex Robots – Fuck The MPAA

Sounding like an anthem for pirates and file-sharers, The Futuristic Sex Robots’ Fuck The MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) drops references to the movie Hackers and Straight Outta Compton and shows Nerdcore’s political (well – political about the Internet) side.

MC Frontalot – It is Pitch Dark

MC Frontalot is the de facto inventor of Nerdcore, is critically acclaimed and is even the star of the first Nerdcore documentary – Nerdcore Rising. It Is Pitch Dark deals with a pinnacle of nerd-dom – the retro computer game Zork. A master of wordplay and catchy as hell – MC Frontalot deserves his place at top of the Nerdcore tree.

MC Lars – Mr Raven

Proving that being a nerd can extend to literature, MC Lars mixes Edgar Allen Poe with catchy hooks and Paris Hilton sex tape references. Postmodern. Or something.

Optimus Rhyme – Autobeat Airbus

Proving that Nerdcore isn’t just dudes with computers in bedrooms, Optimus Rhyme is a full band, but that doesn’t stop them writing songs about their own band re-imagined as transforming robots…

Schaffer The Darklord – Attack Of The Clonefucker

Sitting somewhere between rap and stand-up – Schaffer The Darklord creates a song about something we’ve all thought about – having sex with your own clone. Go fuck yourself indeed.

MC Router – Buggin’ Out

See – not just a boys club! MC Router rolls with the big (read – probably fat) boys and holds her own easily, with a track about the usual nerdy pursuit – de-bugging a PC.

YTcracker – Warez Loder

A true geek gangster – YTCracker had his first taste of fame breaking into government websites for kicks. He has since ditched the crime (like a lot of ‘normal’ rappers) and now rhymes about nefarious Internet activities…

Beefy – You Can Call Me Beef

Beefy, who seems to be the most likable guy in Nerdcore, drops references incredibly quickly. I believe you get a prize if you get them all.

MC Hawking – What We Need More Of Is Science

Ever wondered what MC Hawking would sound like if he was a gangsta rapper? Wonder no more, through the power of Nerdcore!

So, enjoying Nerdcore?

Check out

Hipster Please! The Nerdcore blog

Nerdcore Rising – The Nerdcore Movie

Rhyme Torrents – The Nerdcore Resourse

While other journalists and, yes, even our good selves are giving you advice on what to do before and during a festival, there is nothing said about what to do when you return home, stinking, shell shocked and sweaty. Well, we at Downtuned Dot Net will fill you in with this handy list.

1. As soon as you return home – put worn clothes in the washing machine.

Do not leave them in a bag. No doubt they will be damp with sweat, alcohol and various unidentified substances. Leaving them in a dark, warm, enclosed space will encourage growth of terrifying moulds and fungi. Get them in the wash ASAP. And wash them twice. You can never be too careful. Under no circumstances sniff your clothes. You may be tempted, out of perverse curiosity. But no.

Just no.

2. If you discover you have bought a novelty hat – Burn it.

Don’t think you can find a use for it outside of the festival environment. You won’t. And keeping it for the next festival is frankly retarded. You’ve brought shame on yourself by buying it in the first place. The only way to recover your dignity is to destroy any record of your stupidity. With ENORMOUS FIRE.

3. Take a bath.

Even if you’ve come back from a festival that caters to fans of insane former Soviet State grindcore in a muddy field in Kosovo, you’re not too hardcore for a bubble bath. Gives you plenty of time to discover what blackout-injuries you have sustained. Gives you time to unwind and reflect on what the festival ‘bad thing’ was. Gives you time to find and scrub away whatever was living between your toes.

4. Take a shower.

The bath was nice, but now you have to get rid of the stuff in your hair. Stuff is probably the best name for it. Analysing it further would probably not be a good idea. Thinking about what’s been in your barnet doesn’t bear thinking about. A bath may be good for the body, but you’ll need high pressure water to clear up that mess.

5. Cut off your wristband.

You may be tempted to keep you festival wristband on as a souvenir, or to show off to others how much you love music and festivals, man. Please don’t – you look like an idiot. No one cares you were at Glastonbury. 150,000 other people were there too. You’re not special. Also, think how filthy that thing is and is going to get. It’s very near to your hand. You eat sandwiches with your hand. You don’t want to be eating the kind of things you touched at a festival.

6. Restock your tent.

This may not apply if you did as you were told in our guide and burnt your tent. However if you took it home, you will need to grab a few things so it works again. No doubt you were in a rush to exit the campsite, meaning you probably left a few tent-pegs behind. Your tent is useless if you can’t attach it to the ground. Go to Army Surplus and pick up some extras, and a spare guy-rope while you’re at  it. You can never be too careful and this will relieve you of any last minute panic when you next need your tent.

Now, you can sit back, relax and upload every single photo you took to Facebook.

That’s the reason you went, right?