I’m not going to bullshit you. I don’t care about the Mercury Prize. The bands involved have never appealed and it just seems like a circle-jerk celebration of obscurity, just slightly out-there indie and men who can both have a beard and simultaneously be amazingly effeminate. Apparently this year quite a few of the nominated albums are by women, which is unusual.

So less beards then.

Bearing this in mind, I shall now give a rundown of the nominees based on what little I know of the bands, based on half watched videos, posters and, in some cases, just their name.

Florence and the Machine – Lungs

Twee indie delivered by someone who is more fringe than musician.

Kasabian – West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum

Angry northern types – sound like the Stone Roses, but not as good. At least one song will be about a slutty girl.

Bat for Lashes – Two Suns

Fringe-based indie, again. I reckon this one will be more Hawkwind than Kate Bush though. Not sure if that’s a good thing.

La Roux – La Roux

The 80s made flesh, doing things with keyboards so cliched even Dave Stewart would blush.

Glasvegas – Glasvegas

Angry Scottish types sounding like Joy Division but not as good. At least one song will be about drinking.

Speech Debelle – Speech Therapy

Sounds French. After a tiny bit of research – She’s not French. She’s an MC.

Friendly Fires – Friendly Fires

I bet this band have lots of piano. And checked shirts. And tight jeans. Like EVERYBODY ELSE.

The Horrors – Primary Colours

I honestly thought this lot were a joke dreamed up by The Mighty Boosh.

Lisa Hannigan – Sea Sew

Twee songs played on an acoustic guitar? Again? Really?

The Invisible – The Invisible

Something to do with electronica. Probably enjoyed by men who wear waistcoats.

Led Bib – Sensible Shoes

Jazz! Seriously! Token act? Of course! Better than the other acts on the list? Strangely, I expect so.

Sweet Billy Pilgrim – Twice Born Men

Any band with ‘Billy’ in the name will be men with beards making things people call soundscapes. Cos they can’t write songs.

Good luck, you lot!