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Christmas #1’s – The Battle Of The Charts


Christmas is once more upon us and this year its evil tendencies are back. SNOW has once more gripped the nation and descended us down to the seventh layer of hell where all anybody can speak about is SNOW and the real point of this whole entry, Simon Cowell’s minions with microphones have bludgeoned their way to the top of the charts. This ladies and gents is Christmas 2010, just like every other Christmas, except newer.

This entire post is basically an excuse for Interceptor to post yet more pictures of Cliff...

This entire post is basically an excuse for Interceptor to post yet more pictures of Cliff...

Last year the world breathed a massive sigh of relief when the first proper ‘chart battle’ in what feels like forever came to a satisfactory end. I say the world, because people who disagree with Rage Against The Machine winning are wrong and don’t count as part of functioning society. Yes Christmas 2009 was an anomaly, being the first in years that one of Simon Cowell’s minions with microphones didn’t top the charts. It will probably be the only year in modern history that real musicians hold the position.

Facebook campaigns were started this year, but it just didn’t have the spirit behind it. With three different campaigns going it just wasn’t organised enough to stop the force of mainstream Saturday night T.V. and Matt Cardle bludgeoned his way to the coveted spot with ‘When We Collide’ originally ‘Many Of Horror’ by Biffy Clyro.

He has now apologised to fans of the band for ‘ruining’ the song, personally I think he should apologise 439,000 times, one for each copy sold. There isn’t even really much to be said about his cover of the song. He’s just sort of stripped away everything that was interesting, to make it boring successful pop. Good for him. Of course I say him, what I really mean is a team of professional writers hired for the occasion. ‘When We Collide’ does now have the biggest weekly sales for any single of the year, excluding those for charity, which x-factor also won, to my surprise and delight.

It’s no surprise to anyone that x-factor wins every year and god knows it shouldn’t be a surprise. Apart from the fact that we are a nation of idiots who are spoon fed drivel and lap it up like kittens do milk, this program has a prime time spot on a Saturday night for three months of the year, coincidentally the three months just before Christmas. People have heard these songs for weeks on end and voted for their favourite, now if everybody that voted for Matt Cardle to win bought his single then these sales figures would undoubtedly be much higher, so let’s just assume that somebody realised what they had done and banged their head against a wall for three minutes instead of buying his single shall we?

Fig 1: Who would you rather go to a party with...actually...wait...don't answer that...

Fig 1: Who would you rather go to a party with...actually...wait...don't answer that...

On the plus side of all this winter chaos, Biffy Clyro have had a great year. The very fact that an X-Factor winner is singing their song says a lot about how far they have broke into popular culture. They appear to be becoming Radio favourites these days, they must be the new Muse or something. One of the numerous anti X-Factor campaigns was for fans to just buy the original and they managed to get Biffy to number eight in the singles chart, not too shabby. Mon the Biffy!

So goes another Christmas, with its terrible weather and terrible soundtrack. Last year may have offered some hope, but it was all a mirage to shelter from the cold.

Is anybody even sure why they care about Christmas number ones? Look at the past winners, barely any of them are actually relevant to the holiday period. Bob the Builder got it in 2000 BOB THE BUILDER. That’s not even real. If Matt Cardle has got any other number one single of the year, nobody would care, but it’s Christmas and for some reason it matter.

Remember when Mad World won? That was a good year.

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